Sunday, June 25, 2017

Werk

This week, I'm going on a little trip to Cincinnati to visit a couple friends and go swimming in a HUGE POOL!!!

Posting on a Sunday, 'cause adventuring is gonna take me out of town Monday!

So, obviously my MAIN goal is to have fun in Cincy. But I also have to keep working on other stuff. July is not very far away, and I still need to finish all my sewing projects...which should've been done by now. 'Cause I also have to make cloth diapers and also maybe a diaper bag. So, I gotta keep on that list!

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This week :

01. Run/walk four times
02. Go swimming...or just do something gym-like
03. Bank those travel blog posts (and others)
04. Sew ALL the dolls!
---> 04a. STUFF all the dolls!
05. Keep up with planner
06. Figure out game plan for big poster boards of photos
07. Finish up that Care.com profile
08. Edit ALL the photos
09. Stay on maternity blog posts
10. Get photos off phone
11. Continue with organizing your hard drives.
12. Cut out pants
13. Shop for cloth diaper fabric

Friday, June 23, 2017

A revelation

I had a revelation of sorts last night while talking to Adam. It wasn't driven by Adam, it was driven by my own internal struggles.

Adam and I are (attempting) to build a somewhat traditional American household where he is the "bread winner". (What a shitty term.) It's something we've talked about a lot; my desire to pursue art freely and his desire to have a steady job. It's been a bit of a struggle lately, because Adam has been trying to get a job within organizations that tend to be very highly competitive and difficult to break into. Also, not having a child, we've both been available to work. So I've gigged it a little harder than I usually do and he's worked seasonally while spending the off-season trying to break into one of these organizations. It's been fine with both of us, though not ideal, but with the addition of Smashface, things need to change.

Right now, Adam is working up at Put-in-Bay, which means we are living apart. I've gone to visit and he's come home, but in order to work on our financial goals and with having only one car and just life stuffs, we've seen each other less. He's the only one working full time. I've pursued various gigs, but I'm not bringing in a significant amount of income.

I feel SO GUILTY about this...like, all the time!

I've always felt pressured by my decision to have a more free spirited lifestyle. I've chosen to live with my mom because it made sense for a variety of reasons, including cost of living. I've always handled my own bills, I've just been very good at not creating a lot of new debt. I usually have no credit cards. I had some credit cards for about a year, and then I closed them all and paid everything off. (Adam has a couple of credit cards, and our goal is to pay them off. We've already closed one of his accounts, because we know credit cards aren't necessary.) But I've endured commentary from "friends" about the way I live. From the outside, according to American culture, I just look kind of lazy. I've had friends assume my mom pays for everything, because I live with her. It's so funny to me that anyone would make an assumption about something no one can see. No one can see every single hour I put into any given job or gig. No one can see my bank accounts or what's in my wallet. So people really just judge on an external facade.

It's an interesting way we judge each other in America; based on material items, many of which require debt. So if you don't have those things, you're viewed as not having much income. And if you have those things, you're viewed as having more income. But a bunch of nice stuff might just mean a boatload of debt...it might mean that even for people who don't have many nice things. I watch people constantly spend just to the reach of their means, and I'm no exception. I've made mistakes and run up debt, but I've always paid it all off. Nevertheless, I can tell from the way people talk to me, that they think I'm irresponsible with money and lazy and mooching off my mom. Heaven forbid anyone see my mom and I as two partners in a shared household who make shared decisions.

And now, I'm in a similar situation with Adam. He's working right now, and I'm not employed full time...and I don't want to be.

People have made comments about my working while pregnant, which I am certainly physically and mentally capable of doing. But that's never the kind of parent I've wanted to be. I don't think the situation in America with two parents working is ideal. That doesn't suit my personal philosophy. To me, having two parents working is less than ideal, and I know it is often the result of need, though it is also often about choice as well. I've never wanted that situation. Especially after years of nannying, I know just exactly how I want to parent. It's something I have spent a LOT of time considering as I've raised the children of other families. I WANT to stay home and I WANT to home school...things Adam has known since the start, things we've discussed, a lifestyle we've chosen.

But man do I feel pressured otherwise often! None of that pressure comes from Adam. Almost all of it is internal. So what I've done over the years is keep score. I've kept a personal tally of setting up our living places; painting, cleaning, buying and moving furniture, grocery shopping, and so on. I sometimes bring it up to Adam, so he knows that I'm pulling my own weight, even though he has never required me to explain myself. It's something I've found myself doing yet again, in this period where I am less employed than I have ever been.

I'm pursuing a lot of projects; working on restoration projects for his dad, FINALLY getting around to all those sewing projects that have been lying around, finishing up production for merchandise for Larry and Boo's Emporium. I've also been gigging it, so I can earn "spending" money or just feel like I'm contributing.

But then, I was looking at the "nursery" (it's currently a breakfast nook) last night. And I was looking at the budget I've made to clothe our child for the first year (it'll be well under $200, excluding cloth diapers). I was thinking about everything I've done to set all of this up, and Adam has had to do nothing. I'm sure he would help if I wanted, but I didn't really need help. I already knew everything I'd need. I mathed out the number of times per day we might change Smashface's clothes and how often I'd want to do laundry, since we don't have our own washer and dryer, and I created the clothing budget and went out and shopped for all of it. I figured out the nursery set up and bought everything and set it up. I tested the strollers and car seats and figured out which would be the best for us. I've also made sure to care for my body properly while growing an actual human being inside of me, something Adam couldn't do even if he wanted to.

And I just had this AH-HA! moment of what I'm "worth" in terms of hours worked and wages earned. I happen to know what I'd charge to provide someone else with these services and what it costs for a surrogate. I know what I'd charge for the childcare I will provide once Smashface is here and for the education I will provide. I know what the cost of a housekeeper or cook is. I mean, there are actual ways to break down my labor and my wage and what is reasonable market rate in Ohio for privatized domestic care. This is a legit economic situation that is easy to completely break down monetarily.

So I've decided that's something I want to do in this blog. I don't know where you can find this information (not that I've done a ton of googling yet). And I just want to write it out, because it is common knowledge that stay at home parents are undervalued. But I think that even the cost of growing and preparing for a child is totally undervalued. While any parent can stay at home and do household duties, men can't grow babies and can't breast feed those babies. That's something only women can do, and I'd like to know what the worth of that is.

So I sent Adam a Facebook message about it, with the cost of what my nannying services would be. But I don't have all of the information yet. I want to finish collecting everything we'll need for Smashface's first year so I can put down a hard budget. And I need to do some more research about the cost of things during pregnancy. But I'm definitely going to write it all out here...maybe in several blogs posts or in just a few, not sure. Because I finally was able to settle that inner dialogue I have about how I have to prove my worth with what I do around the house. I feel so much better having FINALLY figured out my own, actual worth. Not my personal worth regarding self-esteem and as a partner in a relationship, but the actual economic breakdown of the domestic services I provide.

It was very freeing, and it was something I really NEEDED to work out.

Friday, June 16, 2017

The Second Fight

A note before we begin : I live in Ohio, so this takes place in Ohio. I am aware of other states and other laws, but my experiences are here. I am not a doctor, so I will assume that if I write anything medical that resonates with you, you will do research on your own. I'm very comfortable with the decisions I have made because I am a very thorough researcher. However, my decisions are FOR ME and should not be taken as an edict for you. Look up your own shit, is what I'm saying, I'm just writing out my experiences!

So as I said, I had found where I wanted to deliver, but I had to find a doctor who delivers there to provide my care.

The first hurdle was getting my records from Summa Women's Center in Akron to Orrville. I went in to request a transfer for my and they said it would take something like 2-3 days...for why? I mean, seriously. My records are available on every computer at every office I've ever gone to. Every office has a printer. So why is there even a need to request a release or anything? It's ridiculous bureaucracy. I asked what happened if I were requesting for myself. The lady was able to print it up right away.

I drove my records to Orrville, since no one in Akron could be bothered to work in a timely manner. Unfortunately, the first midwife service was full up for August babies and didn't have room for me. So I took my records from their office and walked them over to an OB that was in the same complex.

I read some of my records, and Fraulein Bitch wrote really sarcastic and nasty comments. It made me so mad. I was already in a fighting mood. I didn't want to do the standard pee in a cup situation because I was so upset from previous visits and I wanted to talk to the doctor first. But that wasn't going to happen. She had an emergency C-section, so I had to wait about forty minutes for her to finish up. It was a welcome wait, because I was able to calm some of my emotions. We did a history, and I peed in a cup while waiting for the doctor.

When the doctor arrived, I was nervous, but I felt like it started off good. I told her I was not doing prenatal vitamins and she waved her hand and said, "I'm from a third world country, I'm pretty sure I know women can have babies without prenatal vitamins." (She's from West Africa, originally.) She seemed open and willing to listen to me, and it wasn't really until after I left that I realized how manipulated I had been.

That's the thing about manipulation and even coercion. They don't always feel bad until you walk away and you realized you've agreed to something you never wanted to agree with. I've found that doctors seem to really think they are RIGHT. Not experienced and educated and have all the options available to you and want to give you the most efficient or safest option that maximizes your health ... no, doctors often think they are RIGHT in every moral sense of that word. And quite frankly, it's bullshit. Doctors should offer you options based on education and experience and meet you at least halfway since you are the boss of your body and you have a right to your own philosophies on medical care.

I spent much of this appointment really talking about EVERYTHING and the responses were varied from that dismissive wave and comment about prenatals to bringing up cancer, YET AGAIN, and insisting on giving me a breast exam. That actually made me very uncomfortable. I know my mom had breast cancer, because I was there. I know how severe it was and what she went through to overcome it and what my risks are because of that. I know how old she was and what that means for me in terms of breast care. But that doctor doesn't know any of this and seemed to forget that breasts change a great deal during pregnancy and mammograms don't work with pregnant and breastfeeding breasts. I KNOW what my breasts feel like. I'm very comfortable with them and I feel them up in the shower on the regular. So having a doctor insist I need to submit to a breast exam during a prenatal appointment was not only very uncomfortable, but it was incredibly inappropriate.

Of course, what she did while I was topless and her hands were on my breasts was even more inappropriate. This is when she went in for the big gestational diabetes push. Gestational diabetes is the new buzzword for pregnancy. Insurance likes to use it against women because there is a CORRELATION (not causation, which is very different) between gestational diabetes and type II diabetes. Since I'm old and fat, I'm at "higher risk" for gestational diabetes. But even that is tricksy. MOST older women aren't actually at higher risk for any pregnancy complications. SOME older women already have underlying issues that exists outside of pregnancy. But the studies don't illustrate that difference and most doctors are too fucking lazy (as far as I'm concerned) or untrained in research protocol (true) to actually learn the difference. The fat thing is yet another sort of misnomer. There is CORRELATION between weight and some metabolic disorders, but it's only CORRELATION (which again, is very different from causation). The bottom line is that my age and my weight aren't actually risk factors FOR ME. There are zero risk factors for gestational diabetes for me, but since insurance runs the medical industry, and since OBs and their like are the second most sued doctors, they all kowtow to insurance companies and require RIDICULOUS and INACCURATE screening protocol with no concern over the actual risk factors.

The doctor knew that I was not interested in being screened for gestational diabetes. And as she went in to touch my breasts while I was sitting there, topless, she decided also to lean in and try to coerce me into agreeing to "let" her screen me. Mind you, no one can actually force you to do anything, especially if it involves ingesting a nasty sugary drink for an inaccurate screening for a complication for which you have no risk. Remember, if someone tries to shove liquid down your throat, that's assault. But she leaned in close enough to give me a lecture on how she can "let" other women skip the test if they are not too old and if their BMI isn't too high. Basically, it's the old and fat argument again. But she did this while her hands were on my naked breasts and at a level of volume so low that Adam, who was less than five feet away, couldn't hear her.

That's some manipulative bullshit. That's the sort of stuff that makes you feel violated AFTER THE FACT. That's the kind of situation women get in where they're like, "Well I knew the guy, and we were fooling around, and I said no, but he was so CONVINCING that I kind of stopped saying no, even though I didn't want it." Manipulation and coercion are tools our culture has been using for centuries to keep women in their places. It's abusive bullshit...but this was one of the things that, the farther away from the office I got, the more angry I was at my treatment.

Medical advice should not come in the form of manipulation or coercion. If a doctor feels a screening is important for you, then they should look you in the eye, speak at a reasonable volume, and give you the reasons why without also insulting you. She didn't do that, and that is some shady bullshit.

But y'all, that's not event the worst of what she did. After my clothes were all back on, she and I continued talking and the conversation rolled around to how I want to deliver. I don't even know why, 'cause I really wasn't far enough along to discuss this, but I'm glad it came up. I told her that I am opposed to a pitocin induction. (I really believe every woman should be opposed to induction, but pitocin is particularly dangerous and leads to increased rates of c-section.) This is when she gave me an amazing speech about how since I'm SO OLD, my veins are just tiny and inelastic, and they are building a crappy placenta that just won't really be able to do it's job. So if she "lets" me go without an induction, I'll go over term and then...

Yeah, no conclusion to that. Just a big, pregnant ellipsis sitting there, making me wonder... WHAT!?

Going over term is somewhat of a myth anyway. I'm not even gonna go into it, but it's not really something that scares me. Due dates are ESTIMATES, and that's it.

So now, I'm old and fat and gonna get gestational diabetes, I've been screened for breast cancer when I don't need it, and my body is definitely building a super crappy placenta that won't be able to support a baby through delivery without induction.

That's just bullying, but there's more!

I also didn't want the fetal anatomy scan. You'll know this as the ultrasound when many people learn the gender of their baby. The fetal anatomy scan is the standard 18 or 20 week ultrasound, but I like to call it what it is, because the term "ultrasound" doesn't cover what they are trying to do and how it doesn't really work.

The purpose of the fetal anatomy scan is to look at every part of your baby, and possible it's genitalia, to determine if it has any birth defects. NONE OF THESE DEFECTS CAN BE CORRECTED DURING THE COURSE OF YOUR PREGNANCY. NONE OF THESE DEFECTS CAN PREVENT STILLBIRTH. There are zero improved outcomes from a fetal anatomy scan. They are looking for neural tube defects (spinabifida), which you probably don't have because wheat in the U.S. is fortified with folic acid, just like in many developing countries, so neural tube defects are incredibly rare. Also, they can't fix it, even if it's there. They look for cleft palate, which doesn't constitute an emergency in the U.S., like it does in developing nations. Also, not fixable while you're pregnant. Then they look for kidney and esophageal issues as well as brain, heart, and lung defects. NONE OF THESE DEFECTS CAN BE CORRECTED DURING THE COURSE OF YOUR PREGNANCY. None of these defects has any genetic factors and they all have less than 3% rate of occurrence. That's just looking for a problem. I'm not really interested in that. Unlike many Americans, I know the total lack of control I have over nature and the fact that we're all gonna die (yes, even you will die), and I'm ok with that. I wanted to go into my pregnancy believing, as I do every day of my life, that everything will be just fine. I'm not trying to find problems. And I'm not scared of Down Syndrome, and I wouldn't abort my baby anyway. Not to mention, THESE SCANS ARE NOT 100% ACCURATE. False positives happen. Finding a "problem" just leads to an intervention waterfall. They say there's a problem, so they monitor you more closely, which leads to more interventions, which leads to more monitoring, which leads to more intervention. This is factual, but doctors don't care. Why would they? Finding something wrong is basically their whole life's goal, since saying, "Yep, let's just let nature take its course," is not only boring but also leads to them being sued by assholes who are just looking for doctors to solve fucking everything. Newsflash : It's biology, our idea of control is an illusion.

So anyway, I told her I don't want a fetal anatomy scan and I received another big lecture. This one was all about how my baby was going to be born blue from a heart defect the COULD HAVE detected in this ultrasound I didn't want to have. But since they didn't know it was coming, then the doctors are going to be running around, trying to figure it out, while my baby loses oxygen to the brain and ends up with brain damage.

Lectures such as this are straight up bullying. Not to mention, they are also insane.

So I never went back to her office. I don't need lectures on how I'm willingly giving my baby brain damage because I refuse to go looking for a problem for which I have no risk factors, they can't guarantee they will find, and it can't be solved during pregnancy. It's a total lack of logic.

Oh, and at the end of my visit, she was sure to give me one final lecture about how future visits wouldn't take this long. Because I had asked too many questions and wanted to talk for too long and most visits are just meant to take fifteen minutes.

Yeah right. Fifteen minutes where I let you tell me how to be pregnant and I let you feel good about running every fucking test known to man on me and my fetus. Fuck that lady! And fuck being told I ask too many questions. That's just a load of horseshit. It's not my job to keep your visits short and if you don't want to do your fucking job as a doctor, then I will find someone else.

And so I did.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Louann

Dear Louann,

I was powerfully missing you this morning. I woke up in this amazing AirBnB on Put-in-Bay, thinking about the week ahead, and thinking about how I wish you were out here with me. I want to wander around the island with you and run around naked! But you're not here, sadly.

Man, things have changed so much since you died. I mean, SO MUCH. There are THINGS happening that I think you would marvel at in the same way I do, because we always had that soulmate connection. Can you believe I'm married AND pregnant!? I can only imagine what you'd say about my huge belly. I bet you'd like to feel Smashface kick. I hope there is some version of heaven where you are magically looking down on things and know what's going on, even if I don't know that's happening.

Also, I wonder if you'd appreciate the ways in which I've grown and the things I've discovered about myself. This new diagnosis of autism seems to important lately. When you said I had a "disordered relationship with reality," you were NOT wrong. I know you've since apologized, but I think those words said in the midst of anger held more truth than either of us could've realized at the time.

I wish you were here to share in these things with me. Sometimes, I feel so alone without you. I feel like there is no one who will ever connect with me as you did and will never know me the way you did. I try to work things out with the people I know and sometimes, I just want to be able to talk to you.

But life happens and what are you gonna do? You're not here, and that's just the way it is. But I wish you were here, Louann, I think you'd really like this time in my life.

Love,
Louann

Monday, June 5, 2017

Keep on keeping on...

Next week, I'm going out of town and I will be DOING NOTHING...except probably staying active. I'm gonna read and swim and walk and ENJOY...and do a couple of photo shoots. So this week, I have a couple things I MUST do. One of them is buckle down on those dolls. I didn't sew at all last week. I knew that was gonna happen. When I work really hard at something, I often have to walk away from it for a while. And even though I haven't made the massive list of projects, I have been organizing all the physical aspects of the projects, gathering them in one spot, so that I know what's next once I finish the dolls. I feel good about where I am. I could be farther along, but I'm also making steady progress, and that makes me happy!

Photo Feb 21, 9 38 20 AM

This week :

01. Run/walk four times
02. Go swimming...or just do something gym-like
03. Bank those travel blog posts (and others)
04. Sew ALL the dolls!
05. Make Facebook posts
06. Keep up with planner
07. Create massive to do list of all crafty projects
08. Finish up that Care.com profile
09. REMAKE those Craigslist ads
10. Send out that e-mail to NEOhioPAL
11. Continue with organizing your hard drives

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Prenatal Care : An Interlude

Since my first prenatal care appointment was pretty traumatic for me, I walked out of the place KNOWING I wasn't going back. I immediately got on the phone and started to call around, setting up, like ten appointments...until a friend pointed out that maybe insurance wouldn't actually pay for all those appointments if they weren't deemed necessary. This threw a kink in my plans because, how the fuck was I supposed to find a care provider who wasn't an asshole if I couldn't actually go see them and find out!?

It's a month between appointments in the beginning and the further along you get, the less likely someone is to take on your case. If I can't figure out the philosophies of the care providers before I go meet them, then how can I know if I'm going to go to an appointment that will actually work well and not be a traumatizing event? It's a problem.

Even in the calls to set up appointments, I encountered issues. An appointment setter made me talk to a nurse to see what kind of appointment they wanted to give me. This is because establishing care for a pregnant lady requires blood work at the start to make some determinations about that care and they had to figure out if I was a blood work appointment or not. I encountered this at every office I contacted for my second appointment, making it more uncomfortable for me on the phone, because I'm not a doctor and my first care provider didn't actually give me any information about anything she was doing, since she was just pissed off at me from the start. The nurse that was talking to me decided that over the phone was an appropriate time to give me a lecture about prenatal vitamins.

I set the appointment, but hung up and never entered it into my calendar. I sure as shit was not going to see a care provider whose nurses felt that lectures over the phone, lectures about medical decisions, were an appropriate response to a call about setting up an appointment. I was also learning that there are no repercussions for dealing with doctors who suck. You either go and have a shitty time and never go back or you put up with the shit. There is nowhere to call or report...at least not that I was aware of at this time. So I was just setting up appointments blindly.

Meanwhile, I was setting up appointments to visit birthing centers in the area, including those in Akron and Cleveland. But I wasn't really enjoying that either. Most birthing centers have appointments once a month on a Saturday at, like, 1p. What about the rest of us who don't work 9-5 jobs and what about trying to see all the birthing centers as soon as possible to make decisions?

I was just annoyed with the whole process and still scared because I was still having elevated levels of anxiety due to all the hormone changes and because I still had TONS of questions I wanted answered. I was also running up against one of the many walls I'd find throughout my care; prenatal vitamins were a BIG DEAL...but no one could articulate why, just that I was supposed to shut up and take them. And NO ONE believed that I had researched what was in the vitamins and decided to eat real food instead.

It was a hot mess and all I wanted was not to have to have my baby in a big city hospital where baby birthing was an assembly line production, care providers didn't care about the individual, and everything was crowded and anonymous.

So I looked into having the baby at my place of birth...only to find out it was too small for the hospital conglomerates and they closed it down. This was the case with the smaller hospitals in Cleveland as well. If a hospital isn't doing several thousand births a year, University Hospitals, The Cleveland Clinic, and Summa Health would close down that maternity ward. (Oh yeah, and I learned that these huge hospitals had changed the name of the maternity wards to "birthing center" complete with clever marketing language on their websites, though practices have changed little over the years.)

I didn't want the baby factories, the indifference, the routine, and all the noise of everything being about making more money.

So I thought for a while and I started contemplating going to Canton, OH...but their website was the scariest of all! Aultman in Canton has terrifying practices as far as their website goes, so that was a no. I'm talking things like, forcing fathers to wait outside of any birth that is considered "high risk". Just, like, stone age thinking here.

But it turns out that Aultman Medical Group (or whatever) maintains a technically "rural" hospital in Orrville, OH, which is about 12 miles from where I was born. It lies in the heart of Amish country and the hospital recently built a horse and buggy garage for the Amish women who deliver there. Also, all you had to do was give them a call with about 30 minutes of notice in order to tour the birth center. No waiting for months and having to see it with large groups of people. NO reservations needed. The staff is ready and waiting to let you see the facility whenever they aren't inundated with babies...which would be rarely, since they do about 300-400 births per year vs. the 3000-4000 of the hospitals in Akron and Cleveland.

I drove down that day.

It was wonderful. It was everything I wanted. Nurses that didn't treat me like I was insane because I wanted what essentially amounts to a "home birth" but with the safety of a hospital setting. Nurses and staff who are used to Amish patients who want very little intervention. A lower c-section rate than the rest of the area. A nursery that is there only for emergencies, that they don't even staff because they want the baby to stay with you. Birthing suites with Murphy Beds so that your spouse or partner can stay with you and sleep with you after the baby is born. It was like heaven compared to what I had already experienced. Plus, they had a whole case of awards they had won for rural care and tons of articles in online newspapers about what a great hospital they are!

Now, I just had to find a doctor that delivered there...which is where this blog post ends and where my next one will begin.

Monday, May 29, 2017

The list goes on...

Last week, I had a fairly massive goal to accomplish; sew ALL the dolls. In order to accomplish this, I had to sew 8.5 dolls per day, which put me at a goal of 10 per day so I could finish before the weekend. I came really close! I have two types of dolls; fancy and not fancy. I finished all the dolls that aren't fancy and put a small dent in the fancy dolls. The fancy dolls take about three times as long, especially since some of them are going to specific girls and the goal is to make them look like those girls (so I include a face, which I don't on all my other dolls). I spent HOURS sewing, which really did not entirely help the rest I was giving myself due to the strained butt muscle that's been bugging me for a while. It was a lot of hard work and it was pretty tedious and not really fun, but I was determined! So I have about ten dolls left, I think. Which means I can sew two per day and finish this week, which is the goal.

Maybe you're thinking, "Who the fuck cares about this in depth analysis of sewing 50 fucking dolls?" Well, I do. I started this line of dolls maybe even two years ago. A friend made a request and then I thought the dolls would be a great addition to Larry and Boo's Emporium, and so I bought all the fabric and made all the patterns and just NOTHING happened. I wasn't motivated and I was always occupied with a million other things. But I'm not participating in the business anymore, mainly because I really hate sewing on a mass production level. And this is the last item I've had waiting to be finished for the business. Once these dolls are done, I have a handful of personal projects and then I am giving my machine to my mom and I am not sewing for a while. (I'll always be a sewer and always want to sew my own things, but I'm ready for a break.) Sewing projects have been hanging over my head for years. Several projects have been given up due to lack of time or desire to finish them. It's one of those hobbies that started to feel like a burden, which makes it a pretty pointless hobby. So I'm glad to be winding down to the end of my massive list of sewing projects...ready to move on!

Like to that massive list of craft projects I have to do, many of which aren't even for myself. I plan on attacking that list with the same dedication I was finally able to give to the doll project. I'm just ready to stop having shit piled up around my house, waiting for me to take care of it. I'm so fucking tired of all these projects, especially ones that aren't even for me. I want to free up my physical space and my mental space to take on things I WANT TO DO and not things I feel obligated to do...even if they are projects I wanted to do at one point that have now just taken years to accomplish. It's just not fun, you know?

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This week :

01. Run/walk four times
02. Go swimming...or just do something gym-like
03. Bank those travel blog posts (and others)
04. Sew ALL the dolls!
05. Make Facebook posts
06. Keep up with planner
07. Create massive to do list of all crafty projects
08. Get on that Tarot life!
09. Update 101 Things
10. Get your Care profile together
11. Make those Craigslist ads