Friday, March 23, 2018

An open letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I want to preface this letter by telling you it's coming from a friend. I am not yet another media outlet who is trying to tear you down. I agree that the media has treated you pretty unfairly with sexism and virgin shaming and all kinda isms that probably don't even have words yet. It's been a heavy load of bullshit thrown at you on the regular. But I am your friend. I'm not your friend in that crazy obsessed fan who decides to call you a fan sort of way...I'm your actual friend, even if we haven't met. I know this because you have told me this. You have told me multiple times that we're friends. So, while this letter might be hard to read, it is coming from a place of love and respect for who you are as a human being and as my friend.

Uhhh...what the hell are you doing?

Like, ok, I get that you needed a break. That entire Hiddleswift thing was a hot fucking mess of a high degree and that Kimye Snapchat bullshit was also some drama of an exceptionally high level. So when you decided to take a break, that made sense. And you did it up real good in a super impressive way. But honey, the break is over.

You're not only taking a break from your job, apparently, but you're also taking a break from your fans...both of which are a load of horseshit. 'Cause let's be real; you don't HAVE to work ever again. You don't HAVE to write songs or make songs or release albums or have world tours, because we all know that you are loaded in such a manner that means you could support yourself, your family, and your future family for life with no problems. This hiding thing is disturbing.

I suppose I could understand a slower promotion cycle, 'cause of those media bitches...but actually, no I can't. Honestly, why the fuck have you let any of this get to you? Those assholes have been harsh as fuck, but they are also just straight up evil-ass liars. All of the shit that is written about your love life or your work ethic or your sincerity as a human being or whatever...I never believed one word of it. I didn't believe it and not because I'm a fan of yours, but because it was so clearly fucking false. Seriously, if I can see it's false and a shitshow designed to make money, then you must be able to see that.

How long are you gonna let others determine your path because of their bullshit lies?

And look, this whole Kimye thing is ridiculous, but it's also something you can count as an accomplishment. Those two fuckers rely on you to help them remain famous and earn money. That shit has to feel good, right? Someone is so desperate for fame and income that they have to bully and harass you repeatedly in order to keep that fame and money. So honestly, it's time to put that shit to bed and start boasting about how you made them bitches famous, ok?

Your little reclusive streak is absurd and unhealthy, I seriously wonder if you're depressed. I know, I know, you're doing better than you ever were, right? Yeah, right. I'll believe that when you do an actual appearance on Ellen. 'Cause she is legitimately your friend, so why would you refrain from doing her show? But that's part of this entire situation isn't it? Ditching your friends too...

...and your fans.

Of course, I'm talking about "The Swift Life," what a load of lies that is. I was on that shit and it was so hurtful and disappointing. Your app promises "exclusive content," and there hasn't been one exclusive thing in that app. Ok, whatever, taymojis. You need to post some fucking pictures of your cats (not of yourself, obviously, that's out of the question) and stop using it as a place to promote your tour, your merchandise, and divide your fans. That app is fucked up and hurtful and please tell me why the hell some people get more than one like from you before everyone in the entire app has even one like from you? Why would you treat your friends that way? This is the very first time I have found any of your behavior false. I believe that app is something your team runs badly...because if you're actually running the show on it, then we really aren't friends are we?

I know you're all wrapped up on your own hurt feelings right now. I get it. People have been really fucking cruel to you and you are wallowing in your own butthurt. But come on, let it go. You are a smart, interesting, incredibly successful person. And might I remind you, that you CHOSE this life. You don't become as famous as you are without putting in some effort. So that narcissistic, self-pitying "Delicate" music video needs to be burned in fucking effigy because it is so beneath you to act like your own choices have some how made your life so fucking hard that you need a man to save you. I mean, you said he doesn't have to save you, but that music video told a different and totally self-indulgent story.

Girl, grow up.

Let it go.

Move on.

You are the one with the most toys, so you can stop pretending like you aren't.

You are honestly so fucking impressive. You are a smart accomplished woman and you have so much more intelligence than this current version of hiding away from fucking everything and tricking your fans with a bullshit app and making stupid videos that paint you as some poor victim. You're not a victim, you're a fucking ruler. Your castle has definitely not crumbled at all and you don't need knives or guns because the work you create stands alone. Now, stand up tall and go in to the world and show them who you really are.

And while you're at it, enough with Max Martin, Shellback, and Joseph Kahn. You don't need a team. You've made amazing work on your own. You are super fucking impressive and you don't need a bunch of men to aid in your impressiveness. Seriously. You're a bad ass, so it's time to own it.


Monday, March 19, 2018


I don't even have words to say, just a picture and a to do list.


This week :

01. Run, do something upper body
02. Scan poster board photos and save on hard drives
03. Price frames for unframed artwork
04. Blog posts
05. Travel blog posts
06. Rip some more CDs
07. Post more albums to Facebook
08. Keep reading Moby Dick
09. Figure out database questions
10. Choose newborn photos and print
11. Put together shadow box
12. Touch up bedroom paint
13. Plan Cincy trip and budget
15. Hang artwork
16. Keep planner up to date
17. Make photo books for first three months
18. Finish digital back up
19. Get donation stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!

Friday, March 9, 2018

Hey Mama

Hey Mama,

I feel like I have to tell you some things because I think you know them to be true but you haven't fully realized that truth yet. I just want to set you straight and let you know what's up...

You are not the fault of someone else's poor choices.

You are not the fault of the medical community. It is not your fault that you were treated like a page in a book instead of a person. It is not your fault that doctors were more willing to fight with you than to fight for you. It is not your fault that doctors disrespected you, ignored you, lied to you. It is not your fault that you were pregnant and had a child in a time when the medical community is practicing anachronistic medicine.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault you were ignored for over 30 hours. It is not your fault that obstetricians allow nurses to run the show and that those nurses are overworked. It is not your fault that you were treated like a chore instead of a patient, instead of a person. It is not your fault that obstetricians rely on cutting women open instead of respecting the natural birth process. It is not your fault that obstetricians don't have the same skills as midwives and that the medical community doesn't view this as a problem.

You cannot possibly know every single birth outcome and it is not your fault that you didn't anticipate what would happen.

It is not your fault that your water broke early. It is not your fault that your nimble thumbs were otherwise indisposed during your labor and that you didn't google all of your symptoms. It is not your fault that you found out too late about Smashface's malpositioning. It is not your fault that you chose to have an epidural to help you cope with the pain and anxiety of a traumatic labor. It is not your fault that doctors would prefer to practice medicine to attempt to prevent unlikely outcomes in favor of causing the most dangerous outcome. It is not your fault that cesarean sections are all too commonplace in America.

Your body did not betray you.

Because your body was ignored, neglected, mistreated, and abused does not mean that it is incapable. Because your body was treated like a statistic instead of an individual, does not mean it is deficient. Because your body was treated like a problem, does not mean it was a problem. In fact, the way in which your body healed, the life that it carried and grew, the ease with which it handled pregnancy and surgery are all testaments to what a great body it is.

Because someone else did not respect your body, your mind, your desires, your abilities...does not mean that you are damaged goods.

You deserved a medical community who treated you like the individual you are and not like an insurance claim to be avoided. You deserved doctors who listened to you and answered your questions. You deserved medical professionals who treated you like an autonomous human being, not second to the fetus inside you, not a burden of potential complications.

You deserved much more than you received, and it is not your fault that your pregnancy and labor and delivery were not treated with respect.

It is ok to understand that you are not less than because of poor policies and poor practices. It is ok to let it go.

-With love from yourself

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Fat Tuesdays : Changes

There have been some things lately that I've been trying to do and it just isn't working. There are some things that I was wanting to do that I think I need to let go of. It can be hard to admit that I need to change, that my goals aren't attainable, that I have to cut back on things.

I wrote my birth story and I hope i made it clear that it was traumatic and unfair and entirely due to the negligence of the doctors who provided my care. The trauma and injustice of my labor and delivery (and even my prenatal care) are a symptom of a larger problem; that obstetricians can cut women open and will cut them open instead of trying to actively work through a labor and honor the natural process as it exists. I WANT so badly to seek retribution for this wrong in the form of a malpractice case...not because I want money, but because the legal system is what causes change in America...and because doctors really have no governing body to ensure they are doing their jobs right. It's absurd to me but true that a license to practice medicine is like a license to drive a car; yours for as long as you want unless you break the law so badly that they have to take it away. There aren't many checks and balances if any. Sure, I can write letters upon letters to staff, administration, medical boards...but who cares? I'm a patient, not a doctor, and what do I know? It's because of this fucked up situation that I want to bring a malpractice suit against the doctors, the hospital, the medical provider, the very universities that educated these doctors. But the reality is that I can't. Another fucked up situation is that the state of Ohio requires a "certificate of merit" in order to bring any malpractice suit. A certificate of merit is one doctor saying that the care I received is below the standards of care that patients should receive...but the care I received is considered the proper standard of care. Sadly, cesarean sections are viewed as positive birth outcomes. After all, aren't I and the Babe alive? Who cares if the cost of that is robbing my body of its natural abilities and cutting me open? Furthermore, even if I could get a certificate of merit, I'd still have to find a lawyer who wanted to take the case. That's a problem as well. Malpractice lawyers want to make money. The amount of money received from a malpractice case is often due to a calculation based on loss of potential money to be made. Does the surgery I was given cause me not to work or to lose money in some other way? If not, then how can lawyers determine my worth? If lawyers can't figure out what my case is worth, then they can't make money off of it, so they won't take it. Even further, since no one in the U.S. has ever sued for wrongful cesarean section, few lawyers would want to be the first to take on such a case.

It's a big, complicated, fucked up situation with so much bureaucracy that even if I could find the people to help me fight it, I would probably lose.

Another problem is that I don't have support in this. No one has my back. No one is standing behind me encouraging me to fight the good fight, promising to be there no matter how bad it gets. Several people have told me it's not worth it because the fight is too hard...and that is yet another totally fucked up situation.

I'm one determined motherfucker and I love a good fight, but I also recognize when something is impossible, which means I need to let this go. Unfortunately, admitting that this fight is impossible or so difficult that I might not be able to fight it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel like I'm being smart. Instead, it feels like I'm agreeing that what happened to me is ok. That hurts and while I know it's not true, I also know that it'll take my heart and my head a while to accept this. The only upside is that I have another plan of action that will take as much time and energy, if not more, and should help change the system and lay the groundwork to protect women in the future. I'm trying to take comfort in this plan, because if I can make it happen (which I think I can), then I'm going to do far more good than one malpractice case would.


Mourning the loss of my natural labor and delivery is only one thing I need to do. The other is to let go of my current training goals regarding running.

Having a newborn makes life a little bit more complicated. There's a helpless human I have to care for and keep alive...but also, there's a new person that has to be included in all my plans. I can't just take off and do what I want, because baby. One of the complications of having a baby is unpredictable sleep schedules. Sometimes Babe sleeps through the night, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes I sleep long enough to feel refreshed in the morning, most days I don't. Most days, I hand the Babe off to Adam and go back to sleep for a few hours. This interferes greatly with my running plan.

I'm a morning runner. I need to get up, go for a run, and then commence with my day. It makes me feel better and it makes my runs better. When I can't do this, all the variables that affect a run are just about doubled. Now I have to think about when to eat and what to eat so I'm not full and uncomfortable when it's time to run. What about bathroom stuff? If I wait to run, then maybe I'll have to poop, and then I need to have a restroom on my route available to me. What if I have other errands to run, or if someone else has errands to run, then am I interfering with the schedule? And on and on...which might sound like excuses to some of those hardcore fitness accounts on Instagram, but they are my reality.

If I can't get up and run first thing in the morning, the chances of my getting out to run decrease and the chances of having a successful run decrease.

However, getting out for a walk is much easier. A walk doesn't require a big change of clothes or extra equipment, or special shoes. I can just put my coat on and go. This is what I'm trying to do now. I'm allowing myself to accept that all the changes that come with a new baby negatively affect my ability to train to run a marathon, but they don't prohibit me from walking. So that's what I'm doing. I've given up my running training and have decided to walk instead.

This is one of those changes that doesn't feel good, even if it's necessary. It feels like I'm failing my body and like I lack will power. It'll probably take my heart and my head a while to come around to the truth of it. I might understand that, rationally, walking and not focusing on running is better for me...especially if I'm running to train for a marathon, which is a big undertaking. But my heart and my head don't always want to be rational.


Life lately is about letting go and accepting my limitations even if they are due to external forces. Honestly, that's hard to do. It's frustrating and it makes me feel like a failure...but it's necessary. So that is what I'm doing with my life, trying to make the changes I need in order to have a good mental and emotional state and not be so fucking exhausted all the damn time. I know these are the right choices, even if it's hard to feel good about them in the now.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Baby Boy VIII

Baby Boy,

I was feeling so much a couple of weeks ago that I almost wrote an intermediary letter to you. But then, I didn't.


Six months according to a calendar and choosing the 27th day, not six months according to a lunar calendar or...anyway, calendars are totally fucked up. I don't really like them, honestly. But still, here we are.

This past month has been a lot of things for me and a lot of movement for you. Like, A LOT! We have redone your "nursery," which is really now a play room. Because you move all over the place. You're so intensely curious and very, very grabby. You see something, you wanna put it in your mouth, you get to it so you can put it in your mouth...and if something is in your way, you are going to try to get over it, no matter how many times you fall over. You're a very determined little fucker and it is cute as hell.

Things you are doing :
Much laughter
Grabbing ALL the things
Interested in my mouth when I talk or sing or make noises
Making new noises
ALL the drool
Your first (and second) bath!
Lots of crawling and pre-crawling moves
Pre-sitting up moves
(Also, you sat up for about a minute yesterday)
Trying out new food (with little successful swallowing)
Really, really, really good laughter and squealing and excited noises

I keep notes and write down what you've done and put it in my planner. I probably could write a post a day with just a list of stuff you've done.

You have visited many more people, attended your first wedding, and been photographed with the bride and groom! You've gone to Cincinnati, and managed to get your hands on the cats. You've been held by a few more people and been outside more than expected because it's been warmer than expected. You sometimes get real mad and won't eat or go to sleep even when we both know you tired and/or hungry. Honestly, it's annoying and I can't wait for you to stop doing that.

People ask me if it's all going by too fast, and no, it's not. Some days, I actually feel like it's going by too slow. I really don't enjoy cleaning up all your various bodily fluids and I think I'll be pretty happy when you're managing that shit (literally) on your own. When you can walk and talk and get dressed and feed yourself, I think things will be more fun and less tedious. But you are adorable as hell and I just have to have patience while you grow up. You're growing at a very nice rate and I am appreciating everything as it happens.

As always, you make me laugh regularly and you make me frustrated far less often than you make me happy. You are a delightful little fucker. You are very smart and curious and athletic and so fucking cute that I really probably should look into making money off your looks. Whenever people meet you or see photos of you or pass you by in public, inevitably, you make them smile...and not just the kinds of people who love dogs and babies like I do, but even curmudgeonly assholes. You are much like the sun in that you do seem to brighten everyone's day. That's not hyperbole, either.

I am very interested in whatever you do next.


Hey Mama,

I don't have a lot to say today because there isn't a lot I can say. But I will tell you this : Keep trucking. You can do this. Also, it's ok to let shit go. You don't have to beat yourself up so much.

The upside of life is that the more you avoid people, the less you have to engage in that bullshit social contract of motherhood.

Current lesson learned : Babies are, apparently, like that, the moment you get one, everyone seems to want to meet it. It is astounding how many people could not be fucking bothered with you, but now that you have a baby, it's all they wanna talk about. You gave in to this at first, but now you're over that. If motherfuckers wanna meet Baby Boy, then they could be your actual fucking friend first. You can feel grateful for their kind words and support and still not owe it to them to meet Precioso.

In other news, will life ever not suck? Forecast is doubtful.

Monday, February 19, 2018


Soooo...two weeks gone just like that. It is amazing to me how depression can suck time away. I think, "Oh, I missed a day, I'll get back to it." Then, two weeks are gone and I'm so fucking behind. No, I didn't accomplish shit. Yes, this is the same exact fucking to do list it has been since FOREVER. No, it won't get finished this week, because I'm going to Cincinnati to shoot a wedding. But at least I'm back in this blog again, which is something. It's not much, but it's something.


This week :

01. Run, do something upper body
02. Scan poster board photos and save on hard drives
03. Price frames for unframed artwork
04. Blog posts
05. Travel blog posts
06. Rip some more CDs
07. Post more albums to Facebook
08. Keep reading Moby Dick
09. Figure out database questions
10. Choose newborn photos and print
11. Put together shadow box
12. Touch up bedroom paint
13. Plan road trip and budget
15. Hang artwork
16. Keep planner up to date
17. Make photo books for first three months
18. Finish digital back up
19. Get donation stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

A Misanthrope's Guide to Intersectionality

Intersectionality is an academic term that explains how different types of people can be affected by different types of oppression. For example; a woman might experience sexism, but a black woman might experience sexism and racism and also find that the sexism she experiences is affected by the racism she experiences. If a woman is black and gay, then she might experience sexism, racism, and homophobia; they will intersect and cause a different type of oppression for her. Intersectionality is true in that people can experience different types of oppression and that those types of oppression can intersect.

However, recently, intersectionality has become a buzz word of the current wave of the Civil Rights Movement, in particular in the current wave of feminism. Many women believe that feminism cannot exist without intersectionality. They think that a feminist has less worth if she does not practice or believe in intersectionality.

The problem with intersectionality is that it ignores the subtlety of human existence and the truth that every human experiences the world differently.

The other problem with intersectionality is that it assumes I give a shit about your problems, and the thing is, I just don't.

The biggest thing I seem to read over and over is this Great White Feminist. She is so obtuse. She cares only for herself. She is clueless. She willfully ignores women of a different race or cultural heritage or sexual orientation or gender identity or whatever. The Great White Feminist is not working hard enough to include other women in her feminism. She coopts the experiences of minorities or speaks for them. The Great White Feminists ignore that feminism is racist, has always been racist, and won't stop being racist until Great White Feminists adopt intersectionality.

There are, of course, nuggets of truth in these ideas. Has feminism suffered from racism? Yes, in that, everything has suffered from racism. Are white women to blame for this? No. They were acting within their culture. That's the problem with intersectionality, it demands that people act outside of their culture, even if that culture is homogenous. Intersectionalists ignore that segregation exists, whether natural or forced and that many people don't even have meaningful relationships with someone of a different race or cultural background or sexual orientation, etc., etc., etc.

As I said before, intersectionality demands that I give a shit about someone else's problems. But why would I? What is the benefit for me to go out of my way to include people different from me? Why do I give a shit if I solve someone else's problem? I'm fighting my own fight here and I don't even know you, so take your intersectionality and fuck off.

The thing is, intersectional feminists say that one feminist cannot speak for another. How can I know your problems? If I'm not allowed to speak for you then why should I even help you? If I'm coopting your problems, which I honestly don't even know how I'd do that if I don't actually know what your problems are and can't even understand your problems, then how am I supposed to include your problems in my own fight? And again, I say, why would I want to?

Related : I really don't care if you give a shit about my problems, either. I don't want to explain all of them to you. I'm not sure I believe you could understand my struggles, and I certainly don't want to feel like I'm competing against your problems.

Intersectionality is nice on paper and I suppose if the Civil Rights Movement becomes unionized, then everyone we can possibly think of who might be disenfranchised should be included in representing the union. I think people believe the Civil Rights Movement is more organized than it is, and that the goal is to be inclusive, and that we all should be working together. That's just not true. I mean, there are so many facets of the fight for equality and so many paths to take to get there and so many things that may or may not apply to each individual that it's ridiculous to see intersectionality as a common theme in the Civil Rights Movement and one that anyone needs to adopt in order to truly be fighting for equality. Instead of wasting time bitching about intersectionality, those who feel they aren't represented should get represented. Talk to organizers and lobbyists and politicians and speech makers and get your voice out there and get heard. (I know, hard, right? You have to like, DO something about it.)

Also, at the end of the day, as far as this misanthrope is concerned, I just don't give a shit about your problems. I've got my own fight to fight and no one has been trying to help me out or give me a bigger and louder platform. People have been trying to shut me up and shut me down and tell me that I am wrong and stupid and should change my identity to better suit their idea of how I should fit in the world. I'm so busy fighting that, that I can't even be bothered to figure out how to help some stranger I don't know who wants to call me names and question my own value within the fight for equality. So take your intersectionality and shove it where the sun don't shine.