Friday, July 29, 2016
Thursday, July 28, 2016
When life is satisfactory, content, or even good, it's really easy to ignore all the things that make me sad. After all, I live in America, where feelings are bad and we're supposed to hold on to everything, and happiness and positive thinking are meant to be states of being. So when things are good, it's really easy to ignore all the things that are collecting in my studio that I will never turn into art, or to ignore that the noise I hear through the windows of my house drives me crazy, or to ignore all the little ways my friends show me that they don't really value me at all.
But when life is shitty, it's absolutely the best time to look around at all the shit piling up in the varying parts of my life and feel just fucking buried under a bunch of shit that doesn't fit or is broken or isn't useful or is not working for me at all. Of course, when struggling with the depths of a major depressive episode or simply suffering from dysthymia, thinks that actually make me happy can be hard to recognize because NOTHING is making me happy. However, I've become fairly good at sussing out the low feeling of, "I used to enjoy this, but now I'm struggling to enjoy anything" and "Why haven't I realized how crappy this makes me feel".
It's times like these that I turn to organizing. I like to get rid of shit. I hate having crap that I feel obligated to do something with when I want to do nothing with it. Often, I start with cleaning out my closet of all the shit that I feel like I should keep (the dress my mom made for me that I wore once) and then I go right to all the craft supplies I've collected for all the things I'm going to make that I really am never going to make. I can look at these things and feel the weight of them. From there, I start to struggle with friends.
I start to think about the friend who missed my wedding ceremony because she felt teaching her yoga class was more important and the friend who is not only always busy, like always, but also never manages to give me a time when we can hang, so I'm just constantly chasing her down. I start to look at the pile of packages I have saved because I want to pass on books or clothes or because I've gone out of my way to collect little things for my friends who have never once given me a gift of any sort.
These thoughts weigh me down, because they make me feel like crap, because I'm not supposed to feel like my friends aren't good friends. I'm supposed to post selfies of us on Instagram and write about how grateful I am. American culture teaches us to hold onto friends FOREVER and that ending a friendship is THE WORST THING EVER. I don't know why, because honestly, things just change. I have needs and some people can't meet them and it can take a long time to figure that out. But how long?
This is the question I invariably send to my friends when I'm wrestling with letting go of some of the relationships that are bringing me down instead of building me up.
No one ever has a good answer, because most people are even worse at letting go of shitty friendship then I. All the times I have to hear, "I just realized this is the place where she was, so I accepted that," like a friendship is all about one person being flexible while the other person gets to be selfish and indifferent and not really much of a friend.
It's hard too, because there's always the detritus of friendships. The things we were going to do. The presents I still haven't mailed or the projects we still haven't completed. It's easy to try to hold on for just one more event, which I sometimes do. But it's that time of holding on that hurts so much more, because I KNOW what's over and they don't and I feel a little bit like a liar.
But it's time. It is time to take stock and to delete contacts from my phone and to unfollow on social media. It's time to focus on my feelings and my needs and to respect them and to take care of myself. So I'm going to organize my life now, going to go for that KonMari method (which I have a blog post about!!) and I'm going to apply it to my friends as well. Because if my friends don't "spark joy," then what is the purpose of keeping them?
Monday, July 25, 2016
I don't have a lot of items on my list for this week, just that I really want to do a deep clean of my entire life. So I'm gonna do that.
This Week's Goals
Run Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, and Monday
Hit my mileage goal
Do some yoga
Stay on top of my schoolwork
Complete as much Coursera coursework as possible
Clean out all the things.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
More on that later, but my only relevant thoughts regarding my hiatus and this blog post are 1. I didn't miss writing 2. But could be due to the whole lack of energy thing 3. But I did miss writing my goals down and following up on them.
So maybe I'm back on a weekly basis and maybe I'll write more, I don't know. I'm tired and worn out and there are a lot of frustrations still that I can't seem to really have a good conversation about because everyone assumes that Adam and I are one unit instead of two separate people who can experience individual problems while being married...or at least, that's how I'm being treated.
If I hear one more time, "Have you talked to Adam about it?" I swear to you, I will delete all my fucking friends. That answers is always MAYBE...maybe I have, maybe I haven't. OBVIOUSLY, I WILL. But for now, I'm trying to talk about me! Ugh.
Anyway, the goals!
This Week's Goals
Run every day
Hit my mileage goal
Do some yoga
Stay on top of my schoolwork
Rebook with Maddie
Book with Kelso
Uhh...I gave up my IG yoga account because...well, I realized that I wasn't impacting the people I wanted to impact and it was coloring my opinions of them in a negative way I didn't like. Also, the more I researched yoga, the less I wanted to do it...but I LIKE doing yoga. So I'm closing my eyes and going about it in my own way. Also, I might be able to book shoots with friends left on the island, I might not. We'll see. But I'm keeping them on my list.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
You have a job or a relationship or a family or a friendship or school or some other social setting. You are, hopefully, honest with people and maybe open and trusting...as much as you can be. Then bitches stab you in the back, gossip, and cause general strife for no good reason. It doesn't help anyone to hurt each other. There's no competition for management positions or best friend slots, but it's still the way the world works, right?
I'm not the easiest person to be around. I fucking hate bullshit and I say whatever the fuck I want, constantly challenging social norms. But I'm not mean. I'm not nice, but I'm not mean. So why is everyone else?
Bullshit insecurities do not interest me at all. I'd like to find somewhere outside all of this crap. I don't think it exists, though.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Except that I don't care about numbers and I never have.
A friend of mine was fired and it seems the only job she can find on the island is a job where all the "rejects" go. It's not a popular bar and it's not glamorous...and her old job was both of those things. She wasn't fired because she can't do the job or because she isn't popular or glamorous. She was fired because people suck. So now she is looking at a job for rejects or leaving the island. But the problem with her thinking is believing that something is wrong with her because some misogynistic assholes fired her and all the cool bars are full staffed. A person is not her job and a place isn't embarrassing unless you let it be.
I don't care about money or followers. I have puzzled out how to sell things online and I have landed on a good number of places to sell things. In order to make money, I have to have more followers, more subscribers, more commenters, more numbers!
I love the internet, but I don't love numbers. I can't seem to separate myself from the two right now. I'm also working a stressful job that is stressful because I don't like it but I need it...because I need money...more numbers that I never cared about.
I start to feel guilty when I realize it's Wednesday morning and I didn't write my Tuesday post. Partially because I don't have WiFi at home right now and partially because I feel bummed out and drained a lot of the time.
I was thinking about that this morning and I realized that I don't wanna. I just don't wanna. And because of that, I'm not gonna.
When I stop feeling this way, maybe I'll come back and do something. But until then, I have to focus the energy I have on doing things I don't really want to do but feel that I need to do. With the rest of my time, I want to watch a lot of Hulu and Netflix and read a lot of books and go swimming and play with dogs and my cat as much as possible. I don't want to worry about any personal schedules except for getting in the mileage for the marathon I'm going to run.
You can find me on Instagram, probably. Maybe not. Whatever.