Friday, April 14, 2017

Stuff...

This week has been an interesting and difficult week for me. I have completely abandoned all of the providers I had for prenatal care and made contact with a new provider...but no appointment has been set, which makes me nervous. I went to a support group for pregnant moms that definitely had many more recent moms than pregnant moms. I kind of took over the discussion with my prenatal care woes, but it was good. I think they allowed me to derail the group because they saw I needed it. I had the first of five appointments with the Cleveland Clinic Center for Autism, and I hope I am on the right path to figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me.

In the back of my mind, I wanted to write the second maternity post, to follow up from the first. I awoke at 5a this morning, from crazy dreams, with a million thoughts in my head. I had hoped some of those thoughts would come out in my second maternity post. But it's just not gonna happen. This week has been helpful and productive and incredibly difficult and draining. I feel like I have no more energy to share personal information about myself...AND I'm supposed to go hang out with friends all day today!

But I wanted to write SOMETHING in this space, if for no other reason than to remind myself that I have thoughts I want to record and I will do so. If for no other reason than to avoid yet another week with just my to do list. (Which I'm killing, by the way.) I just needed to write SOMETHING, even though it's not really much of anything.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Keep on...

Well, I was able to cross off a few items from my list last week! Some things on my list repeat anyway. It feels good to accomplish shit, though. I doesn't feel good not to accomplish shit. I don't know why that is. A lot of it is rather arbitrary anyway.

This week was interesting in that someone said some really stupid shit to me and someone else apologized after a long time of estrangement. I don't really care about the stupid shit. It was the possibility of friendship, and possibilities are only as good as they are good. The apology post-estrangement is really good. I'm very excited to reconnect. Shit is constantly changing, though.

I am in a great mood today and I'm feeling like I want to do shit and I HAVE A PLAN! So hopefully all goes as planned. That would be awesome.

Photo Jan 20, 2 46 59 PM
This week :

01. Run/walk four times
02. Go swimming
03. Bank those travel blog posts (and others)
04. Put finishing touches on skirt
05. Begin pants and sew more dolls (at least three)
06. Go rock climbing
07. Start website
08. Keep up with planner
09. Clean up all your disorganized messes
10. Find missing roll of film
11. Insurance crap
12. Can't remember - fill in when you can

Monday, April 3, 2017

This week

I crossed off, NOTHING from last week. So here's the repeat:

This week :

01. Run/walk four times
02. Go swimming
03. Bank those travel blog posts (and others)
04. Put finishing touches on skirt
05. Begin pants and sew more dolls (at least three)
06. Go rock climbing
07. Drop off final roll of film
08. Start website
09. Keep up with planner
10. Clean up all your disorganized messes

Monday, March 27, 2017

Gettin' It

Man, so much feels different this week. I feel like I'm coming around from this depression. It's fucking cliche as fuck, but I really think that this warmer weather and promise of spring and fucking chirping birds is giving me some hope and energy. There is some bad news too, 'cause that is life. It seems that you can never be struggle-free. But I knocked off a good chunk of my to do list and I'm feeling excited to do more. I've also been working out with more regularity. I didn't manage to get to the pool last week because there were car troubles that needed attending. However, I've been walking nearly every day and I'm getting back into running and I'm thinking that maybe I can do this marathon in May. I mean, I'm not sure, but I have a plan for training, and I'm excited about it again. I'm also still just not pressuring myself about the marathon.

Sometimes, I apply a great amount of pressure to myself. I took some time off from thinking about training and from hitting my to do list hard because I was just putting all this pressure on me. I needed to step back, calm the fuck down, and rejigger my brainwaves. I am feeling so much better and I'm excited about my list this week!

Photo Dec 28, 3 58 58 PM

This week :

01. Run/walk four times
02. Go swimming
03. Bank those travel blog posts (and others)
04. Put finishing touches on skirt
05. Begin pants and sew more dolls (at least three)
06. Go rock climbing
07. Drop off final roll of film
08. Start website
09. Keep up with planner
10. Clean up all your disorganized messes

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Fat Tuesdays : Maternity

Oooh, boy! I have got to sit down and start writing about this, and I am one thousand percent certain that I am going to open the doors to a bajillion haters, but I gotta write!

I opened up last year about miscarrying, and I was afraid my unpopular opinion would not go over well. I was pleasantly surprised to find otherwise. Before writing that piece, I was really feeling like my thoughts weren't represented in the massive online catalogue of miscarriage posts. I just knew I needed to write it out, just in case I could reach even one person who felt similarly and needed to know she wasn't alone. I feel the same away about the things I've been experiencing with this pregnancy.

I'm not sure how I want to tackle all of what I've been experiencing. At first, I wasn't even gonna write about it at all. I just don't think my being pregnant is anyone's business, honestly. I feel like I share information with my close friends and that's enough. But I had been experiencing some really disgusting behavior from my prenatal care providers and then when I tried to talk to some of my friends (and eventually opened it up to Reddit and Instagram), I heard some even more ridiculous thoughts. (I also had a great outpouring of support from my IG friends, because I have a great group of feminist friends out there.) I think, for the sake of organization and for the sake of easing into this, I wanna write about it more trimester by trimester, I guess. I don't really think this'll be a weekly thing and it might not always be a Fat Tuesdays thing.

Photo Feb 06, 4 36 52 PM

I guess I just want to start by talking about my first trimester which was kind of a nightmare. I mean, I had some issues with "morning sickness" and the physical changes of pregnancy. My boobs outgrew my bras so fucking fast and my sports bras became incredibly uncomfortable. I needed to change my diet because health but also because the things I usually liked eating made me feel like crap. I was definitely tired a lot. I had digestive issues too...some of which affected my running. So yeah, there were the physical symptoms of early pregnancy, which many people experience. So that happened.

But for me, the anxiety and the waiting was the worst...oh, and the scare tactics which will become an even bigger issue later. Having had a miscarriage, I knew the risk of miscarriage was high. I chose not to see a doctor in my first trimester, because early prenatal care is all about having the right diet and confirming the pregnancy. I had a confirmation ultrasound at 12 weeks. I changed my eating habits drastically, ensuring that I was getting all the right nutrients. I altered my diet as well to make sure I would feel better...treating nausea with apples instead of crackers that totally lack nutrition. I continued training and knew my exercise habits would not suffer due to pregnancy, and that exercise is an important part of pregnancy. But I was just counting down every week to make sure the baby stuck. It was like watching an extremely tense movie and trying not to bite off my nails, but it just lasted and lasted. I was also stressed about finding a care provider. I have no pregnant friends and had no recommendations and the midwives I saw were not licensed or certified and could not deliver in a hospital. They were great women, but just not the right fit for me. So I really felt like I was behind the ball. I just felt like every decision I made was wrong...and I could find almost no literature to support my choices. (This is also something that would become a problem later on.)

I'm not particularly patient and I almost never get sick to any degree. (I mean, I've never had the flu, honestly.) So the first trimester was VERY challenging for me. Couple that with big changes in work and school and I was just very, very anxious and stressed. I started having panic attacks regularly and would take several hours to calm down. It was hard, and what I experienced at the beginning of my second trimester did not resolve this issue.

But I think I'll leave the rest of this until later. Writing this post was difficult and I need to think some more before I compose my next one. However, as of right now, everything is good. Doctors have been seen, everything is fine, I feel good. I'm still impatient, of course, but I'm feeling much calmer.

Monday, March 20, 2017

I think I can...

As I discussed last week, I've been struggling with depression, so it should come as no surprise that I found it difficult to complete last week's goals. But I'm not gonna let it bring me down. I'm just gonna keep trying, even if I finish one task per day. Just gotta keep my goals written every week and keep trying to knock one thing off that list each week. And maybe, just maybe, my gumption will return!

I've altered my exercise goals and am changing some of my eating habits (again). I'm trying to keep my diet extra awesome to avoid bullshit from baby doctors. I'm also trying to keep my exercise game strong so I am not lazing about, feeling like crap. It's not so much about whatever "benefits" that come from exercise and just about getting up and getting going...'cause right now, I just wanna lie in bed all day. Basically, I'm just trying to keep on keepin' on. That's my entire life plan right now.

---_0225

To Do This Week

01. Run/walk four times
02. Go swimming
03. Bank those travel blog posts (and others)
04. Sew two skirts
05. Organize final sewing projects (and start)
06. Go rock climbing
07. Drop off final roll of film
08. Start website
09. Finish your planner
10. Clean up all your disorganized messes

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Fat Tuesdays : It's time to change my goals.

It's 13 minutes until midnight, so this can still count as a Fat Tuesdays, RIGHT?

I have a confession to make, that I have known for a while now, and it's time to write it down. Because honestly, I haven't been sleeping well, I find it hard to accomplish things I enjoy, my to do list seems never ending, and this blog has suffered. I'm currently going through a depressive episode. Major or minor is hard to say. I'm certainly not suicidal, but my struggles with anxiety have intensified and many of the things that bring me joy in life are difficult to accomplish. Also, there's another thing happening that is really altering my life in a variety of expected and unexpected ways : I'm pregnant.

(Everyone close to us already knows this, so if this announcement comes as a surprise, it's either because we're not friends yet or because you're not welcome in my life. What are you doing here lurker? Go away already.)

You may remember that I miscarried last year. Shortly thereafter, I tried to convince Adam to have a vasectomy, but he is six years younger than I, so he wasn't ready to put off becoming a parent. So I agreed we would continue not trying and just see what happens. I conceived very near November 26 and knew early in December what was happening, but I didn't take a test until after a tattoo appointment I had, so as not to cause ethical issues. (Or was not taking the test an ethical issue?) The day after, that test confirmed what I knew. But I waited for most of the first trimester because I knew the chance of miscarriage was high. I changed my eating habits and just waited patiently.

The waiting has been hard. The hardest part of this pregnancy is that everything is fine but everything feels weird and my anxiety levels are much higher than usual. I don't have a regular doctor yet, because the first doctors I saw bullied and threatened me and as I was calling to find a new doctor, I received unwarranted lectures. Shit has not been going well on the mental health end. But I have an appointment Thursday, so I have hope!

Anyway, the point of this post is that I ran a half marathon a few weeks ago (at 13 weeks pregnant) and I have a marathon scheduled in May. I just wrote out all of my training goals, and I'm slightly behind. Post half-marathon, Adam and I were on an epic road trip, and I didn't want to run after the marathon because vacation. Then it was a matter of trying to get back into, well, everything. Trying to get back into this blog. Trying to get back into my planner. Trying to sort out some sort of job situations since I'm currently not attending school. Trying to find doctors. Trying to accomplish items on my to do lists. I had about three days of awesome productivity and everything else has been a massive struggle.

Right now, it's cold and snowy in Ohio and the last thing I want to do is put on running gear and go out in this shit. Also, my boobs have grown so big that my sports bras are incredibly uncomfortable. Despite all of the awesome scare tactics about how being fat and pregnant guarantees complications that will probably nearly kill me, those threats don't really motivate me to run either.

I've had good runs, honestly. And the half marathon went well. I walked sooner than I wanted, but that's because it was 79 and humid as fuck! The weather, just like in my first marathon, greatly impacted my ability to keep up a pace...and honestly, heat exhaustion is just not worth it. So I walked, and I crossed the finish line feeling pretty good, and I got my medal, and I came home, and I told myself I would train for that marathon and I would not let growing a child stop me.

I have been reading all the posts about all the women who have completed half marathons and marathons throughout their pregnancies. And I have been telling myself that I can do it. I am capable and can train and I can do this. But if I'm being honest, I don't want to do it.

Maybe if my sports bras didn't hurt like hell right now, I'd be more into it. I really think that's a big factor. But also, as I've said before, running is not a cure-all. It's never really been backed by science that exercise helps with mental health, and there are studies to suggest that exercise doesn't really help depressed people. So it should come as no surprise that lying in bed tonight, trying to convince myself that any normal person would be ready to go to sleep by now, but feeling so much anxiety and total lack of gumption for my run tomorrow, that maybe this running shit is not actually helping my mental health.

I don't want to stop running. I just want to stop training.

So tomorrow, I'm going swimming. And maybe on Friday, I will go swimming again...or maybe I'll go for a run. It really depends on the weather. I am not feeling this shit right now. All I know is that I've got an e-mail to send about transferring my race admission to next year because I just don't want to train for a marathon right now.