Monday, December 5, 2016

Whatever

Last week was sort of ok and really, really, really shitty. I'm so fucking fed up with school and at this point, I don't think I want a degree from them...except transferring would probably cost a lot more money and set me back a fuckton. So I don't even know what I'm gonna do.

I ran once, which is not according to my plan...but I walked instead. Right now, I just don't have it in me to run at all. And I decided that if I couldn't really pull it together to run/didn't fucking want to run because I wanted to lie in bed all day, then I'd walk instead. So I did that.

Adam and I finished hiking all the trails in the National Park, which was on my last 101 Things Update AND we got further along on hiking all the trails in Summit County Metroparks. We have to do the Mingo Trail and the Oxbow Trail. So we're going to do those things in December and it'll be awesome.

I think, as a treat for getting through this fucking session, I'm going to go to a rock climbing gym this week or next week (probably next)...because I deserve it!

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This Week's Goals
Run four times
Fill out my Passion Planner (and last week and for the month)
Do some yoga
Keep up on schoolwork
Schedule CLEP in your planner
Hike Mingo Trail
Sew those fucking skirts
Edit all the fucking photos!
Keep working out with Kendra
Go to the rock climbing gym!!!


101 this Fall:

019. Create line of dolls
057. Ride a Horse
058. Go rock climbing (outside or inside)
065. Hike all the trails in all the Metroparks of Cleveland and Summit County

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Fat Tuesdays : The Myth of Love

There was a weird thing that happened...it started before I officially married Adam, but it continues as we stay married...I notice more the representations of love in the media. Like the movie, "P.S. I Love You" with Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank. Before I was in a relationship with Adam, it was one of my favorite movies. I watched it a lot. I watched it when I was sad and I watched it when I was happy and I snuggled up with a blanket and ice cream to watch it because I just liked it. But one night, I told Adam he was going to watch one of my favorite movies because I just wanted to be entertained and not to think and I know it wasn't his thing, but whatever, this is what we were doing.

As I watched it with Adam, I liked the movie a lot less.

The movie starts with the couple fighting. He had said something to her mom and she decided it was awful and she decided there were a ton of hidden meanings and so she didn't speak to him and then they fought and it was a hot mess of just being mean to each other. Prior to my relationship with Adam, I probably didn't like the fighting scene, but I understood it was probably a slightly realistic representation of whatever couples do. Watching it within a loving relationship, I saw it for the bullshit it was.

This is the problem with media. It really, really, really fucks up representations of love and romance and marriage and relationships.

Where I work, there is a sign that says:

Of all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.

The moment I saw that sign, I wanted to laugh and also burn it. It's such a ridiculous idea of what love is. I told Adam about the sign and told him how it's not true because I've had my hands full with six ducklings and that is still the most awesome thing I've held. I talked to a girl at work about it and she was like, "Yeah, or maybe a puppy." Which is a good point. I like holding Adam's hand, but I really like holding a puppy or a kitten...and seriously, nothing beats having your hands full with ducklings.

I was on Instagram and man, I wish I had saved this, but I saw someone had a card with a watercolor illustration of a few potted cacti and words in script that said something like, "I love you more than all the green things." I showed it to Adam and said, "I love you a lot, but I do not love you more than all the green things or Lake Erie or any part of nature because nature is cooler than any person." He seemed shocked and I thought, "Now I've done it...now I've been like my friend who laughed at his wife when she said he was her soulmate."* But then Adam told me he thinks I'm pretty great but that all the bogs in Ireland are better.

Our society creates these weird, fucked up ideas of what love is and puts them on little signs and sells them on Etsy...and maybe some people get that it's meant to convey a fantastical idea, but I just don't think so.

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But ideas about love don't begin and end with romantic comedies and signs sold on Etsy.

I've been watching, "American Housewife," because I so want to see a fat woman represented in the media. And it is so, so, so awful. It has so many tropes, like the black and Asian best friend with the white lead; or the fat woman who is the butt of all the jokes instead of just in love with herself; or the sorry housewife who never gets a nap and has to defend her right not to work...and worst of all, The Wife Who Never Has Sex.

It hurts my heart and my brain when I see her husband look at her with puppy dog eyes and she refuses sex over and over and over...or they use it as a bargaining chip. It's such a shitty representation of women and of marriage.

The fucked up thing is that all these stupid signs and stupid movies and stupid tv shows and stupid lyrics to stupid love songs and to stupid break up songs and to stupid "I want to be in love" songs is that all of them create this huge myth surrounding love and it totally affects us.

Because what if, like me, you don't love your person more than all the green things? (Or biscuits and gravy or bacon or coffee or football?) How are you supposed to feel when you're like, "Well, I love you. I want to be committed to you. Maybe I want to marry you and have kids with you. But like, can you please go away so I can watch four hours of football and just really enjoy something that I really love?" Are you supposed to feel bad about that? And why do we pretend like one person is suddenly going to replace every relationship you've had (except with God and your mom) and take some spot on this pedestal in life? And like, who wants to be on that pedestal? Or worse yet, what if you think that fighting and being disrespectful is normal so you never check your bullshit and you just constantly take it out on your person?

Y'all, there's a big myth in our society and that myth is LOVE.

Honestly, I'm not even really the most qualified to talk about this anyway because I will be the first to admit that I don't even know what love really is. Sometimes, I tell Adam that. I say, "I honestly don't know what love means but I know I have good feelings for you more than I've ever had for anyone else, and that's just where I am." It disappointed him the first time I said it, but it's true. I say, "I love you," to him and often. I've said, "I love you," to other people as well. But I can't even tell you that I've felt whatever it is...and maybe that's because society has been trying to tell me what it is and I don't agree!

At the end of the day, all those sappy signs seem really stupid to me. Why am I supposed to pretend that this person in my life, this new person, is suddenly going to replace all the other people (and cats) that I have known for much longer? And why should I love a person more than I love nature or food or cats? But also, marriage doesn't mean I don't want to have sex, ever, except when I want money. And love isn't about fighting and taking my bullshit out on someone.

It's about respect and treating him the way I want to be treated and in a manner that ensures we can uphold our vows. If I never have sex with Adam and I pick fights all the time and I act like I can use him as a dumpster for all my bullshit or if I try to create some mythical fantasy of emotions I've never felt...then there is no way he or I will ever be able to sustain this.

Love is a myth. Respect and commitment and dedication and honesty...those are all true, real things.

*Yes, I had a friend who doesn't believe in soulmates and when his wife said they were, he laughed at her. He knew it hurt her feelings but he also couldn't apologize for not feeling something he didn't believe in. When we chatted about it, I agreed with him. They are still married and she probably still thinks they are soulmates and I know he just thinks they are a really great match and he is really happy to have her in his life.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Time to fucking focus

As much as I feel like I accomplished a lot of important shit last week, I also feel like I didn't get anything done. I wasn't able to run as much as I had wanted...partially because of long shifts at work, but also because I was behind on schoolwork and it took a lot of time to catch up. I didn't fully catch up on schoolwork, but I am in a much better position. I need to focus this week and finish all of my school work, meet all my mileage goals, sew two skirts, and edit all of the photos I've taken. I have four days off work, so this is possible!

Adam and I still haven't hiked the last trail in the Everett Are of the Cuyahoga Valley National Park, but we did hike a Summit Metroparks trail that he had never hiked, so that's cool! We're gonna hike that last trail this week. I know I have a lot going on, but I also know I can do it if I focus!

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This Week's Goals
Run four times
Fill out my Passion Planner
Do some yoga
Keep up on schoolwork
Schedule CLEP in your planner
Hike final Everett trail
Sew those fucking skirts
Edit all the fucking photos!


101 this Fall:

019. Create line of dolls
057. Ride a Horse
058. Go rock climbing (outside or inside)
065. Hike all the trails in all the Metroparks of Cleveland and Summit County
066. Hike every trail in CVNP

Monday, November 21, 2016

Fuck Monday

We've really already been in fucking holiday mode for two weeks now, but this week is supposedly the super beginning of fucking holiday time. I could not be more stressed out and tired about life and everything. I ran three times last week, which is better than none, but still not my goal of four runs. (AND I'm behind on mileage.) Adam and I didn't get to hike together, though we did take our new pupper friend out when I went for a run and he hiked. I did catch up on most of my homework, except for some annoying fucking exercises with software that I have to access through a virtual desktop and I fucking hate it. But yes, I'm going to actually do all of these exercises this week and hope I can get some points on them.

I finished up everything last night just before midnight, went to bed, and have spent almost all of today on the couch or organizing cds. It's good to finish a project, but I'm just ready for a fucking nap and already want to avoid the fuck out of school which is not good. My goal is NOT to be up until midnight on Sunday of this week so that I'm not fucking exhausted before my big school day starts...but honestly, I'm hating this fucking session.

UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

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This Week's Goals
Run four times
Fill out my Passion Planner
Do some yoga
Keep up on schoolwork
Schedule CLEP in your planner
Hike final Everett trail
Sew those fucking skirts
Edit Charlee's fucking photos!


101 this Fall:

019. Create line of dolls
057. Ride a Horse
058. Go rock climbing (outside or inside)
065. Hike all the trails in all the Metroparks of Cleveland and Summit County
066. Hike every trail in CVNP

Monday, November 14, 2016

Get it!

Last week was crazy. I helped open a new store in the mall and then we had the grand opening. I put in a 15-hour day on Thursday. So, I skipped two runs. I didn't have time Friday and I was so beat down on Sunday that I went for a hike instead. I feel bummed about this because at the end of my last period of marathon training, everything fell apart. But then, I wasn't really getting out at all. A hike is better than nothing, so that's what I'm sticking to. Once I get my schedule together, I can plan...if only I could get that schedule!

I'm making another change in my to do list. I've been trying to get back on the Coursera jam and it's been very difficult. The bottom line is that if I'm gonna work, run, and school...and test out of two classes...I don't have time for extra school. I really had to think about how I kept trying to get back into it and just never had time. For me, sure, there is enough physical time, but definitely not enough emotional time. The reality is that college is a major stressor for me. I have a bunch of mediocre and also shitty professors hell bent on being the hierarchy instead of actual teachers. My peers are a joke and the grading is far from fair. I'm constantly faced with stupid projects that are busy work steeped in extremely common scenarios. It drives me mad and it forces me to compromise my own intellect in order to fake it or to rebel and do an assignment that isn't acceptable and receive an F (which has happened twice so far). I'm just trying to get through the weeks when the difficulty with the bureaucracy of college leaves me asking myself why I even bother. Too many nights, lying in bed, texting my friends and asking Adam why the fuck I'm still doing this.

Honestly, I don't know if any of this matters. A college degree does not an educated or cultured person make, but I've been fighting this struggle for over a decade and so I'm just trying to get it done. If I'm going to get it done, I need to recognize that I'm just not going to conquer an entire fucking mountain right now. So, I'm letting Coursera go for now. I'm focusing on finishing this degree, running the next marathon, and working this job! I still have plans for what I might need after I finish my bachelor's, so I'm not forgetting the things that are important to me.

Adam and I are finishing out the remaining trails in the CVNP this week, so that is so awesome! Staying active is important and I have a lot of trails in Cleveland Metroparks to check out, so we're both looking forward to a fall and winter of lots and lots of hiking. I'm really loving having my 101 Things written here each week, 'cause it really is helping me stay on top of it!

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This Week's Goals
Run four times
Fill out my Passion Planner
Do some yoga
Keep up on schoolwork
Schedule CLEP in your planner
Hike one more Everett trail


101 this Fall:

019. Create line of dolls
057. Ride a Horse
058. Go rock climbing (outside or inside)
065. Hike all the trails in all the Metroparks of Cleveland and Summit County
066. Hike every trail in CVNP

Friday, November 11, 2016

Recent Work : Zumba Mini Shoot

A year or so ago, I did a bunch of headshots at a pilates/yoga/lots of things studio in Cleveland. One of the girls is a Zumba instructor. She contacted me recently to do a fun, mini-shoot of her, specifically geared toward Zumba. So we went to Edgewater Park on a beautiful day and had a lot of fun making great photos!

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Monday, November 7, 2016

All the things

Last week, I did well. I mostly stayed on top of everything. I fell behind on one assignment for school because...oh man, I rented the cheapest hotel room ever and there was no WiFi and it was a disgusting, hot mess. But I have time to get it done this week and stay on track. I'm working really hard to keep up on running. I had a bit of a chest cold and didn't run four miles, but I hiked them instead. It's kind of a bummer to start out again and have a problem immediately. But sticking to hiking the mileage is better than totally bailing. Adam and I did hit up one of the trails I mentioned, and it was so fun! We're gonna have to hit up another one this week...if I have time. I'm starting a new job, and I have a hectic schedule. This week is all about getting the basics done!

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This Week's Goals
Run four times
Fill out my Passion Planner
Do some yoga
Keep up on schoolwork
Get back on track with Coursera
Schedule CLEP in your planner
Hike one more Everett trail


101 this Fall:

019. Create line of dolls
057. Ride a Horse
058. Go rock climbing (outside or inside)
065. Hike all the trails in all the Metroparks of Cleveland and Summit County
066. Hike every trail in CVNP