Friday, October 4, 2013

116 : Adventures in Polyamory : Part 2

This is part 2 of my Adventures in Polyamory story. The first part didn't really do much other than explain a few things about me for a better understanding of the situation. The events leading up to this blog post came to resolution yesterday, though I do not feel as though I've reached closure on the situation. This blog post will probably be biased and I will try not to make it a rant imposing blame on everyone but myself. Nevertheless, I'm still working through this. Fair warning.

I met him (I can't think of a clever moniker and would like to keep this post somewhat anonymous) Sept. 9, just before going to Omaha. We had a pretty fantastic first date, and I really enjoyed his company. We talked for several hours that night. However, I have had such shitty luck with meeting people from OKCupid that I just didn't really think anything of it. The next day, on my massive layover in Chicago, I texted him. I don't remember exactly what prompted me to text him, I just knew that I wanted to. We continued texting while I was in Omaha and every day since. Texting became a normal part of our conversational habits, and I really enjoyed it. There is a question on OKCupid about communicating with your partner every day, and my standard answer has been a negative, because I just figured that I'm not a clingy person and I don't need attention all the time. But for this, it felt so natural. Talking became something we did a lot, via text, in person, etc.

When I came home from Omaha, I was anxious to set up a second date. Talking to him was so enjoyable, and since it had happened every day, I basically thought about him every day, which heightened my excitement. We set up a Saturday date of photo adventures and geocaching. That Friday, I was going to be in Cleveland anyway, for Ingenuity Fest. On my way up, I invited him along. It was a sort of random and last minute thing to do and not entirely in character for me. I'm very much an organized person and until I really get to know a person and consider her a close friend, I'm not generally into last-minute invites. Last minute plans seem more like something you do with someone you know least for me. But I just felt so comfortable with him...and he was free, so we went. We saw my friend perform and a few of his friends met us so it was not entirely a one-on-one situation, but it was just fun.

This is the point where I usually get really nervous because I'm a fucking spaz. Generally, I'm so excited about hanging out with someone that I find it hard to think clearly and I am nervous about saying all the wrong things. Also, I'm a generally foul-mouthed ranty person anyway, and that is not often socially acceptable. I'm kind of a love me or hate me kind of person and I get very nervous that new friends are going to realize they fall into the hate me category. I really liked Ingenuity Fest and was pretty excited about all the things we were doing, which definitely put me into Excited Spaz Mode. But around him, I was not so nervous.

We still had our Saturday date planned, so the next day we did an Art Museum/Greek Festival date (because rain) that ended again with us talking for several hours, driving around in the valley. He enjoys driving fast like I, and so that's what we did, drove around the curvy roads while talking. It was immensely enjoyable.

During all of this time, messages prior to meeting, and on every one of our dates, we kept coming back to polyamory. Because I am not polyamorous, it is important for me to know that there is space for me in someone's life. The thing of it is, I'm not interested in some sort of group family. I have been on dates where the polyamorous person told me the ideal situation was several adults, living in a home together, raising kids or engaging in a family kind of situation. That does not interest me at all. The way I feel about dating someone who is polyamorous is essentially : do what you want in your own time. I don't own you, I really only care about the time we spend together, just be honest about your partners. Since he had a partner, it was important for me to understand the practical application. What he told me via messages and conversations is that he had a special someone who had been in his life for a while but was not compatible for a full-time commitment and was still very important to him. I took some time to mull it over and I came to this conclusion : She is an important person to him and they have an involvement that is more than platonic. If I had a friend who had a best friend or sibling or relative with whom they had built an important relationship, I would have no issues with it. So why have an issue with this? And so I didn't. I respected his relationship with her, so long as there was space for me in his life, and I was fine with it.

This is where my entire thoughts began and ended in regard to her. I felt no desire to get to know her, because she was a stranger to me who was only tangentially related to me. We could have tons in common or not, and I didn't really care. She was not in my monkeysphere and I had no desire to bring her into it. For me, being monogamous, I don't feel the desire to connect to a web of relationships. But at the same time, I don't feel any need to challenge those relationships. I accept them as fact and move on. I was certainly not dating both of them, and so I didn't see why I needed to know her. I don't know if this is a naive point of view or a logical one, but it was going to cause problems.

Enter our fourth date : Game Night. I think this should go down in history as The Worst Game Night That Ever Was...or at least for me. It was not bad in practice, but the repercussions were BAD.

The morning of Game Night, he texted me letting me know that she found last minute childcare and would be at Game Night. Y'all, if ever there were a time for me not to believe in the automatic good of people and my ability to get along with anyone and how much I should just turn shit down because of potential drama...that was the fucking night. But I had already met two of his friends who I knew would be there, and those fuckers were cool. Also, I knew we were going to play Cards Against Humanity, and I was excited about that. (I had heard of this game a year ago and had been dying to find a time to play it ever since.) Basically, I wasn't thinking at all.

Game Night went down and it was ok, albeit uncomfortable. I ended up on the couch next to him and she was on the other side. (The positioning of our seats is fodder for a sitcom, y'all.) They were fine most of the night, but I noticed when she would lean in and touch his thigh or when they would make jokes about how well they knew each other and their quick kiss good-bye. Which is to say, everyone behaved completely normally, and I felt like this weird extra person, because EVERYONE ELSE IN ATTENDANCE WAS PART OF A COUPLE! Yeah. Also, all the nerds found me all over the internets and began following me pretty immediately, which was strange. (I do the same shit, but it just felt very immediate and strange.)

And now begins the down turn of everything. She found me on the interwebs and began following me, which I found out after he told me that she saw my tweets and brought them up to him. (Do we see how this is starting to feel like middle school?) Because I knew that he wanted me to get to know her, even though I had no desire to at that point (don't get me wrong, she was cool), I followed her back. She and I began talking and it was cool, but it was awkward. It was awkward because I didn't want this. Because I had known him for only two weeks and hadn't gotten to know him that much yet. It was awkward because it felt forced and like I was assuaging their desires with no concern to mine. And it grew more awkward.

She and I kind of hit it off, because she is cool. We started texting, and within another week (and another date with him) our conversation rolled around to him. I had dreaded this because I did not want to girl talk with her. I was attempting to get to know her independent of him, to establish her as an actual human being in my monkeysphere instead of as some random person who knew someone I knew. Meanwhile, he and I continued to talk about her, and pretty soon, it felt like my entire life and my entire relationship with him was talking about her and how I felt about her. So, I had to put an end to it.

She and I were texting and she asked me some really personal questions like, "If you could say, what then, is your idea of a best case scenario in your relationship with Him?" (That is a direct quote from a text that I can totally fucking screen capture for proof.) I mean...umm...really? Like I've been on five fucking dates with him, so I don't really know. Other than I want to date him and not be interrogated by her. So I sent an e-mail wherein I told everyone to back off. I made it clear than my relationship with him was not her business and I wouldn't be explaining it to her anymore. I also made the same thing clear to him.

And that was the beginning of the end.

Immediately, She stopped tweeting to me or texting me. He and I still texted, and I thought he understood where I was coming from...but I just felt uncertain. My question was and my question remains : Why is it her business, how I feel about you? (Especially after knowing you for three fucking weeks!) We had plans for tomorrow, to go on a photo and geocaching adventure. But I didn't want to start a date that was supposed to be enjoyable when I knew that shit wasn't settled. So we went to dinner last night. I told him I needed resolution. He said, "If it were just I, I would continue dating you, but I have her feelings to consider." (That is a direct quote, but I can't prove it other than my memory.) We ate food, I said, "This sucks, I'm leaving." And I did. Whether or not he and I will engage in a friendship remains to be seen.

I conclude bullshit. That's how I feel about the entire situation. I am fully comfortable in my monogamous ways. I feel like I engage in social interaction to a full spectrum of support and love. I feel like nothing is missing in my life. I feel like I can comfortably date someone who is polyamorous and give that person the freedom to explore and find what they need in multiple relationships. I had no problems with anything nor any jealousy. I was completely honest and up front. I simply wanted my privacy respected and to get to know people on my own time. None of that happened, and that is some fucked up shit.

Tomorrow, I'll write some closing thoughts and some questions I have...and will ask the audience to give me their points of views!


  1. I've read a lot of articles and blog posts about polyamory lately. I have no problem with the concept... but it just seems too complicated in many situations. (This situation being one of the overly complicated ones.) Give me a call sometime. I have more to say on the subject that won't fit in comments.

    1. Oooohhh...we will girl talk when we hang out next! Yes, let's have a girl talk event!