Wednesday, November 13, 2013


Today was a 9-mile day, and I didn't run. This isn't the first time this has happened, and as I near the marathon, I keep telling myself that this is unacceptable. I put that pressure on myself that I need to run, because I paid for a marathon and I have to be prepared so I can finish it. And that pressure makes my desire to run less.

I can't necessarily explain exactly why I didn't run. There have been issues at work recently that felt unresolved. The management wants certain things from every crew member, and I disagree with them. A manager berated me for having a bad day, and I felt like it wasn't fair. There are issues with my other job and how unreliable it is. There was supposed to be a certain number of days a week and a certain pay, and that has never happened. And so, I feel unresolved, because I haven't decided what to do...or I have decided and I haven't told anyone.

For me, lack of resolution is THE WORST. Without it, I can't go run. I feel very much like I need my mind focused only on running when that's what I'm doing. I hear people say things like, about, running out the having a bad day, so go for a run, because that'll make you feel better. And it probably would, if I could finish a run when I was in a bad mood. But I can't. I just can't. Instead, I went to a movie with mom and ran an errand with her and will finish some photo shoots tonight and try to talk myself into running tomorrow. (Which probably won't happen, because I like to schedule things and then stick to the schedule and am pretty fucking unflexible when the schedule changes.)

Anyway, running or my lack thereof is not the only point, though it appears that way. The point is, my motivation left me. I felt it leaving me last night and it wasn't there this morning and after I resolved some work stuff it hadn't returned and even though I was home earlier which would've given me more time in the day, my motivation wasn't there. I can't explain why it goes, but what I'd like to know is how to get it back. Sometimes, if I just tell myself to get home and put on my running clothes, then I can get that motivation back. Because once I'm changed, I'm going to run. But sometimes, I can't convince myself to do that.

I don't understand this. I understand some of my feelings, which has helped me have greater motivation for the length of this goal. But I worry, when this marathon is over, what will happen? Because I do enjoy running, and I'd like to keep it up, but what if I have no plans to run another race?

And while it does seem that this entire entry has been about running, it makes me ponder motivation on a larger scale. Unfinished projects and unsent e-mails and things left undone or avoided for great lengths of time. What I want to know is how to get that to maintain it over the course of time and remain consistent in my goal setting. This is what I'm pondering today. Motivation: where does it come from, where does it go, how do I get it when I seem to least have it?



  1. I have trouble with motivation sometimes, especially this time of year when it is dark already by the time I get home from work. Other times I'm really motivated to do something other than what I need to be doing... Like sitting on the couch finishing a knitting project instead of making books for a show (with a deadline.) Hang in there girl! I hope your motivation returns soon.

    1. For me, I think it's a LOT about mood management. My motivation leaves me when I'm not in the best mood. Maybe I need a mantra or something...something to help me get out of the mood.

  2. Getting in your running gear helps. Surrounding yourself with other runners helps too. And if you don't have people around you who like to run, like me, for the most part, I somehow find the motivation to run because it makes me feel good? I don't know. I've been in both places: not having the self-motivation and having the self-motivation. You just have to keep reminding yourself of your goals and then rewarding yourself. I know it sucks sometimes, especially with the weather in OH. Do you use gels, supplements, or sport beans? Sometimes these things help give you that extra shot of energy which will be enough to get you going. -Jessica L

    1. I haven't used any gels or anything. When I need to eat during a run, I use all natural hemp bars made by a friend of mine. But I do use Gatorade because I haven't made my own sports drink yet.

      I don't have any runner friends, but I certainly could find some runners on a social network! Or maybe it's just about creating a mantra to keep me motivated? Not sure. I do think varying trails/routes helps keep me interested. Maybe on a down day, I just go run somewhere new...that could work!