Sunday, February 2, 2014

Goal Setting : The breakup

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend...which isn't even a term I'm totally comfortable using. To me, "boy/girlfriend" implies reciprocation of affection and emotion and there just wasn't that in my relationship. I guess I could be the one to blame for that, because I feel things big and fast, and I expressed them to him...which was apparently not good and caused an imbalance and a feeling of pressure for him. But I gave my all to that relationship, which I'm glad I did. In the end, I really tried my hardest to be the best person I could be within that relationship, to give all that I could, to meet his needs. I'm not perfect, and I know that, and I'm sure there are a million choices I could've made differently, not the least of which was confessing my love for him at a time that is not socially acceptable in American culture. Truthfully, the last thing I wanted to do today, or any day, was break up with him. But the imbalance in our relationship left me in tears more often than not, I felt afraid to express any of my feelings whether they were good or bad, I felt like there was a barrier to communication, I felt unliked, and I felt like I was giving so much that there was nothing left for myself. That's not a good position to be in, and whether or not that position is the fault of mine or of his is not really something I'm interested in discussing. Blame is not something I care to do and so I won't.

What does this have to do with my goal setting? In some ways everything and in some ways nothing. For me, being in a romantic relationship is a really big deal. There are parts of me that are reserved only for romantic relationships, no one else ever gets to experience them. I reframe my life based on the relationship, because that's the way I am. A romantic relationship is not something I pursue casually, and I thought I was not alone in that, but it turns out I was. So today, I drove away from his house and was reminded of all of the plans I have for my life.

Honestly, there is a part of me that feels so relieved. Because that relationship took up so much of my time and energy and was such a huge emotional investment. I don't want to make it out to be all bad, because there was a lot of good in it. But the end was just more bad than good for me, and I feel like I was losing site of things that I love about myself.

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I wanted to write about a longterm goal/dream of mine that I've had for a few years now. I'm reminded of my marathon training and how successful that was for me. Maybe no one gave a shit about every step of my progress, but it kept me accountable. When there were times that I wanted to give up, I knew I'd have to write a blog post about giving up. Even the day before the marathon, when I had all the troubles checking in, I knew I had to go through with it no matter how much I wanted to turn around and drive home. Voicing my goals and writing about them kept me accountable for achieving them, and so I want to write about another big goal of mine and keep myself accountable for it.

In my life, I just don't fit in well. I have social anxiety and my introversion means that I need downtime for myself. I don't behave in a manner that is generally considered socially acceptable. I'm too loud, too honest, too direct. I'm obnoxious and indifferent and bitchy and can come across as a know-it-all...and I don't always work to change that. I believe in myself and I like myself and I'm unwilling to compromise to suit societal norms. But this is a problem for me in the work place. I have issues with authority and poor impulse control and a habit of viewing myself as equal to everyone, including my superiors. I make decisions quickly and am generally unwilling to make sacrifices that interfere with my own happiness. What this means is that I have more than doubled my age in jobs and I have a resume that is inconsistent because I have done so much but not in the way society expects me to. It means I don't fit in within most work places because I don't relate to my coworkers and my bosses as I'm supposed to. And I could get all superior on this and go on about why I'm so awesome, but the truth is, I just don't fit in well. It's taken me a long time to realize that I may never fit in. Maybe there is the perfect job for me with the perfect crew and perfect management team, but I don't think so. So I've come up with a Plan B that I've been working toward...somewhat unsuccessfully.

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My goal is to buy properties and become a landlord, to make income off the properties sufficient for the kind of lifestyle I want to live.

First, I need a job, need to pay off some bills, need to establish credit, and need to buy my first house. Those steps can seem insurmountable at times. I've been trying for two years now to find a job that I can keep long enough to meet my financial goals and it has been hard. I have run through a handful of jobs that have not panned out as I have desired...which is to say, management pissed me off, and I quit. Because I do that. But tomorrow, I'm starting a new job. It's better than the other ones, better pay, better hours. It's a work environment that has limited interaction with coworkers and management. I have hope for this job. I need to keep this fucking job and follow through on my personal goals. Which means, I might have to change my behavior and learn to cope with bullshit that I generally shun. But I'm determined, and now everyone who reads this knows about my goals and my flaws...which most of you knew some of that anyway, since really only my friends read this blog.

I don't know if I can set a hard deadline on a goal like this, but I feel like saying I'd like to buy my first house in two years is not unreasonable. So, by February 2, 2016, I'd like to own my first rental property. And now you know, and now I know you know, and now we can all keep me accountable. I mean, you don't have any responsibility to me, but I'm definitely going to write about my progress here. I'm not sure it's a weekly thing, but I know I'll find a way to track my progress and write it out on this blog.

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1 comment:

  1. Wow, despite your admitted "differences" I should say, you express yourself well and are aware of what your issues with mainstream society are. These are certainly strengths you can draw from. I hope you realize your dreams and I'm glad you are using your blog to keep yourself accountable. I find that I unintentionally use my blog that way sometimes; if I write about something I feel more inclined to make sure that my actions align with what I write about- could be a good or bad thing as I put unnecessary pressure on myself or it can help me stick to good goals. Either way, some differences people have can also end up being their strengths. -Jess L

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