Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Finally ending things.

It's time to write about this. It's time to fully process this experience, get it all out, and move on. This is something that I've been avoiding writing about. Like my past year of employment, part of me is somewhat ashamed of this experience. Mostly, though, I feel really proud of who I was and how I handled it. And what is it? Well, my ex-boyfriend.

So, the long of it is that we met via OKCupid in January of 2013. We were a high match percentage, had good conversations, and were supposed to meet up. Our schedules clashed, and it just never happened. In the fall of 2013, I met Polyamorous Guy and dated him for a month. As that ended, The Ex contacted me via OKCupid. My iPhone had been stolen from my hand and I had closed down all my social networks, so it took something for The Ex to find me. He initiated contact, saying he'd been looking for me everywhere and was glad he had found me. We agreed to meet. Our first date went well as did our second. Since he didn't have a car and was looking at a long bus commute to and from work, I started giving him rides. After work, we'd sit in my car and talk for hours. After about a month, he finally cleaned up his place enough to allow me in. (His version of clean doesn't even register as such. The place was such a fucking mess.) We continued seeing each other almost daily as I was his ride, and we'd hang out at his place after work, though I'd only be allowed to sleep over on very rare occasions that we were out late when he had to work in the morning. After about three months, I told him I loved him...he did not reciprocate. That didn't bother me because I'm used to feeling things more and faster and because I don't believe love requires reciprocation. We had started having sex after a month, but it was never frequent. By the third month, right around the time of my marathon, we were having sex once every other week. (Though he received blow jobs on a daily basis.) While I was gone on my marathon, he found another girl who wanted to be part of a threesome that we had always talked about. The two of them got together while I was gone, which ignited some passion with the two of us. For less than a month, things seemed good again. After that, things really deteriorated. In February, he moved from his apartment, across town...well, I moved for him. He spent a month doing nearly nothing until I finally moved everything and cleaned up his apartment at the very last minute. In March, he didn't have enough to cover rent...for February or March or April. I got together $1500 for him. I thought that would be it, but in April, I learned he hadn't paid April's rent because of utilities and he didn't have May's rent. I got together another $1000 and had him all caught up. (This required my selling some camera equipment.) In May, I took over nearly all his bills; rent, cat supplies (including vet visits and an eventual surgery), utilities, phone (sometimes), weed (always, including delivery), pool money and drinking money (sometimes), as well as almost all going out money. From March until July, I completely supported him. From July until September, I partially supported him. March was probably the last time he touched me other than a hug and a quick peck whenever I'd leave. From March until July, I cried every single day over the state of our relationship. I knew things were not right, but I attributed them to his mental illnesses...he believed he suffered from undiagnosed ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I agree with those assessments. I knew that he had a rough life with a lot of issues that continued to plague him, including addiction to canned air and the recent death of his mother (January 2013), and I believed that he did not lack value because of his rough life and mental health struggles. I also believed that I was supporting him in order to help him come to a better place and to recover. But in May, when I suggested that he finally seek professional help, he reacted quickly with blame and anger. So I backed off. Finally, in July, in order to avoid a fight, I confessed my love and dreams to him. His response was to tell me that not only did he not see any of those things in the future for him, he didn't want them with me, ever...and that he only ever intended friendship. That was the beginning of the end. Because I believe in honoring my commitments, I continued to partially support him (rent, cat stuffs, groceries, weed) until September...when I told the biggest lie I've ever told. I pretended I paid his September rent, but I never did. His discovery of this led him to blow up at me and say a variety of things, including that he would be glad when he was "finally rid of me for good".


Screen shot from his final text

His final text was the catalyst for my blocking him from my phone and changing my number. (My number change only partially had to do with him.) It was cathartic and an opportunity for me to let him go, fully. Prior to his text, with the snippet above, I had demanded an apology for him using me and lying to me. He said he never used me. That's sort of laughable, really.

When I look back on our relationship, I'm really glad that I did all I could and gave everything I had. I can look back on it with a clear conscience and say that I truly devoted myself to that relationship. Recently, when talking about it, a friend of mine mentioned "emotional abuse". That is hard for me to accept, but I can see how it is true. Truthfully, aside from giving him nearly all of my money, I also compromised a lot. There were little things, like not wearing glitter (which I love) to engaging in group sex that I didn't enjoy and didn't want to do. In his final texts to me, he blamed me for constantly bitching. But he was very manipulative, using anger to control me, constantly pressuring me, complaining about what I did for him but then thanking me. He did a few nice things for me, spread out just enough for me to have hope. I think that if I had never confessed my love and then pressured him to talk about it, we might've gone on like that for a long time. I think that is the trick of an abuser, and I'm somewhat embarrassed that I fell for it...especially since I have a past of abuse and thought that I was entering into this relationship with my eyes open.

I don't want to look back on this relationship with anger or sadness. I chose to do the things I did, and I stand by those choices. But I am so relieved it is over and I can see now that I was manipulated and used. I'm not the kind of girl who has regrets, ever. I don't regret that relationship. I learned a lot of lessons...lessons I thought I had already learned. But sometimes, life gives you hard times, and I hope that it was an experience to grow (and I do believe it was). Here I am, on the other side, and everything is finished. That chapter is over, and I have new things in my life that are so much better. I was with him for almost an entire year. We met on October 16, and we were officially over, nasty final texts and all, by the end of September (20-something). It was a really hard year, and I cried a lot, and I was so confused and felt so alone a lot...but I do believe that I have come out on the other side stronger with lessons learned, and I guess that I can't really ask for much more in life.

8 comments:

  1. I am soooooo soooo SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy you got away. There are so many who never do. This is such a terrible thing to live through and I am truly sorry it happened to you. Thank you for posting this.

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    1. Thank you so much for the comment! I really appreciate your kind words. Finding support is very helpful.

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  2. Oh, girl. I'm so sorry you went through this! That guy is an emotional abuser and a scumbag. He will live his life very unhappily, especially if he refuses to get help. It's unfortunate, but some people choose to live that way for whatever reason. I'm glad you got out of it and that you seem to be in a great relationship now.

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    1. Word, girl. I don't know if he'll be unhappy forever. I hope not. I hope he gets help. But yes, my current relationship is so much better!

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  3. As easy as it would be for me to hate the guy on your behalf, it sounds like he is likely more miserable than you ever were over the whole deal, and I hope he gets help. I know what it is like to love someone who often hands back nothing but bitterness because of mental health issues, so I really can't wish more misery on him. But you were right to get out of it - and a saint for trying to help.

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    1. Yeah, he probably is far more miserable. In the end, what's done is done. I can't hold on to someone who doesn't want me. And as it turns out, there was better in my future!

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  4. I just want to note that his mental illness does not excuse his behavior, and I hope he doesn't use it to blame his actions. I have suffered from depression and anxiety (and possibly ADHD) myself, but because I care about the people in my life and my own well-being, I choose to treat it. I do hope he gets help, but I don't feel sorry for him. As I stated in my email though, I'm proud of you for being so strong and selfless through it all, and I'm so happy that you're with someone now who is deserving of your love!

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    1. Thanks girl! I think that someone with serious mental health issues get a pass to a certain point...but how long can anyone stay with someone who won't get help?

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