Tuesday, March 3, 2015

All those deep thoughts.

OK, you know how I've been telling you my head has been swirling with deep thoughts? Well let me tell you all about them, with no images, just text, so we're all caught up on what I'm doing with LIFE!

FIRST, there was that job bullshit. Basically what happened is I went into this downward spiral of how much I suck at life. Because, come on, this is, like, my 70th job. If you go by what people LOOOOOOOOVE to say, "the common denominator," it's me. (Although, think about how dumb this is, because you're talking about your life, so of course it's you!) I mean, I can argue all day about how awesome I am and how I love myself, but it is VERY clear I have problems fitting in. So what followed after that day was a week of asking my friends, "Am I like, secretly an asshole, and I just don't know it?"

I got a LOT of answers, all of them were very honest, most of them carried truth. The general consensus was, "Nah, you're cool." But I just wasn't feeling it. Some of them did tell me that the way I talk to people is off-putting. So, ok, that's nice and all but how do I change that? Think about yourself : Could you, starting tomorrow, change the way you speak and approach everything? No. Even if I wanted to, just no. Plus, I really like myself, so I just don't wanna change. These conversations were just going nowhere. Then, something awesome happened. I visited an old manager, and we had this really great conversation. This conversation was most helpful because she is a former manager who would hire me in a second (no hours), and she has really great insight into who I am and how I work. She also understands working culture and she's a total no-bullshit person. I stood there, relaying the entire story, and it was such a clarifying moment.

The thing is, I sent the story to some friends, and I kept seeing, "catty bitches," over and over. I had not considered my coworkers catty bitches. I thought we were a team of differing personalities, that's all. But telling my old manager the whole story really clarified just how much BULLSHIT there was.

Still, I didn't walk away from all this introspection feeling like I'm awesome and fuck the world. I have problems fitting in and I can't deny that. I'm an amazing worker who provides great customer service, but I don't fit into a team the way I'd like. In all this deep introspection and conversations with friends, I did realize a few things...

I have a problem with reacting. I have a problem with getting really overwhelmed in a situation and letting my emotions take over. I can work on that. I can take a deep breath. I also have a problem swallowing bullshit. Now, I'm not sure I want to cultivate the skill of swallowing bullshit, but I'm considering... Like, I have no issues with random internet hate. I don't have issues with friendships that become toxic or crazy. I let that shit go so easily. But when I'm face to face with some asshole on the job who wants to demean me or insult me or bully me, like I totally don't back down at all. This is something I could change, probably. But I'm not sure if I want to.

So basically, I feel a lot better about the past with work. As for the future... I have an interview this weekend, but that's it. If that doesn't happen, then I'm not going to pursue traditional employment. Instead, I'm going to focus on our stuffed animal business and a couple of other ideas I have. It's just that, the more I think about it, the less I have any desire to answer to anyone and to have to try to navigate that fitting in I don't do well. I don't want to have to worry about dress code or any of that bullshit. Plus, I've never really invested all my energy into that business and I have a lot of ideas. So I'm thinking I might go hardcore entrepreneur.

As for everything else, well my Pell Grant was pulled from my financial aid for college and I owe the college money I don't have. I've got to sort up some past stuff from before my name was changed and I'm investigating all the scholarships. I'm not quite ready for this setback for college to become the end of the road. I think I have a little more fight in me. But right now, it's all up in the air.

Isn't life just like that sometimes? All up in the air? That's what's happening for me. I hope it'll settle soonish.

No comments:

Post a Comment