Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Stop Hating Yourself : Not everyone will like you

I recently wrote a post about how to stop hating yourself. I wrote it at the request of some friends. Right after I wrote it, I realized I had more to say. I have a list in my iPhone about all the different ways I've learned to stop hating myself...and how I've learned to put up barriers to others affecting my self-hate. So, I guess this is going to be a series!

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Admit that you don't like someone.

If there is one thing that I really think contributes to self-hate beyond negative self-image, it's the desire to be liked by everyone. But, like, WHY???? Seriously, why? Do you like everyone? You know what, don't answer that. You're gonna tell me you do, because you've been culturally conditioned to be friendly and accepting and to pretend like you like everyone and never admit that there are people you just can't fucking stand and CERTAINLY, never say out loud that you don't like someone.

But here is the thing about the total fear of being disliked by someone, it robs you of your own choices and your own joy. It also puts you in a cell where you can't be mad at your friends or family for even a second. The family thing is huge to, because women, in particular, are culturally conditioned to be "maternal" and "nurturing," which really means to accept abuse and take whatever life gives you without complaint. But, it's ok if you don't like your family. It's ok if you don't like your coworkers. And it's absolutely totally ok to stop liking someone who was a friend.

I know, I know, you've been taught to overvalue human life. You've been taught to ignore your Dunbar Number and pretend like those strangers in some far away tragedy really mean something to you, because the media put their story in front of your face. You've been taught that you're supposed to hang on to friends, for-fucking-ever, no matter what they do to you. You've been taught that unfriending someone on Facebook is an insult, as if social media were real life. And you've certainly been taught to love your family above all else...unless you love God first, then family.

But, like, why?

At the end of the day, the only person you will ever be guaranteed to go to bed with is yourself. Every morning the only person you are guaranteed to wake up with is yourself. So why not take some time to put yourself first?

Yes, putting yourself first means being ok with not liking someone and admitting it...and realizing you're not a villain for expressing your feelings. YOU MATTER! You matter more than anyone else because you always have to be with yourself. It's ok to admit you don't like certain foods or colors or activities OR PEOPLE!!!

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Accept that some people don't like you.

I know, I know, you're butthurt that Sally in HR whom you met once at an office party has apparently said that you're annoying. Because, you know, EVERYONE MUST LIKE YOU AT ALL TIMES? But like, WHY? Do you know how many people are in the world? It's a fuckton. It's a megafuckton. And let's be real, the vast majority of them don't even know you exist. I'm not even saying that on the level of like, "no one in your high school class remembers you". I mean, like, there are so many people around the world who have no clue of your existence. And that's ok! You don't have to be known by everyone.

Even more, you don't have to be liked by everyone! Why would you want to be anyway? Think of all the parts of yourself that you absolutely love. Like, maybe you're really outspoken and kind and generous. Now think of some really quiet, mean, asshole who doesn't give a fuck about anyone else's feelings. Do you really want that person to be your bestie and to admire you?

Actually, I know you do. Secretly, most of you want to feel like you're a celebrity to others. BUT STOP IT!

Someone disliking you is not a mortal wound or a deep insult to your very being. And even if it is, so what? Just, get over it! Find the freedom that comes from you understanding not everyone will like you, and that's ok. It is amazingly freeing when you just don't give a shit if you've got haters. It's amazing how you can remain confident and stay on your path in life and enjoy your own choices and love yourself when you recognize that the opinions of others don't matter.

Sure, you're probably thinking that you don't care if Sally in HR whom you met once at an office party likes you. Fine, I don't believe you, but let's say it's true. You're totally ok with strangers not liking you. But what about when your friend or lover doesn't like you anymore? What about when you go through a break up? Do you spend weeks or months "getting over" that person? Because that person was your everything and you're so devastated that it's not going where you want?

Dude, WHY? What a fucking waste of your energy. And I know you're going to try to tell me that your have feelings that you need to feel. But I call bullshit. What you're really feeling is that absolute suck of someone you really like admitting that he or she doesn't really like you. Get over it! Recognize that it is his or her loss because you are fucking fabulous and any person should be lucky to have you in their life.

That's what I do.

For real, I give myself three days to get over someone, to feel the feelings, to eat ice cream, and then I tell myself how fucking awesome I am and all the fantastic things I can do without that person, and I move the fuck on. And yes, it took me a long ass time to get to this point, but it's way better.

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The desire to be liked and the pressure to like everyone is a cage that has you trapped in a cycle of self-hate. Free yourself from the ridiculous idea that you could possibly like everyone. Find a good friend, and send them an e-mail detailing every person that you don't really like or can't fucking stand. Give into it without feeling guilty. Let it go. And then, recognize that other people feel the same away about you and IT'S TOTALLY OK!

You don't expect everyone to love the same food or music or colors or places or activities as you, right? That's what people are, just another thing that some enjoy and others don't. And that's ok. Become indifferent to the preferences of strangers and you'll have a lot more time to focus on all the awesome, magical glory that is you.

Which is better anyway? Spending time basking in the glow of your own magnificence or wasting away in the shadow of the dislike of the masses?

4 comments:

  1. Good post! As a teacher I'm already pretty darn comfortable with the whole not everyone likes me thing, buuut awhile back I was totally devastated when a friend decided to cut me out of her life because I was too liberal. Looking back on it today, I'm like...yeah. If I was her I wouldn't like me either.

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    1. Girl, exactly! I'm not saying it shouldn't hurt, because it does. But it should hurt probably less, I think, and maybe just have a bit of a better perspective on the fact that hey, not everyone is always gonna like you and that's ok!!!

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  2. You know, I was pretty much taught to change and cater to those around me and it still follows me. I have gotten a lot better, but I do still strive to be likeable for the most part, which requires a suppressing of myself. But this post is very motivating. I love it.

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    1. I'm glad you love it! Girl, BE UNLIKEABLE! It's totally fun. Those assholes that don't like you can fuck off anyway. You don't need them. You have a beautiful family, and they will always love you!

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