So, I was at my friend's wedding last Saturday. It was somewhat of a bummer because Adam's awful fucking job forced him to work instead of attend the wedding. It would've been my first wedding I've ever attended with a "date," and he couldn't go. Bummer. This wedding was really beautiful and sincere. The decorations, something I normally think is a total waste of money, were perfect. There was a theme and it was carried out well throughout the entire wedding. It was not extravagant or an obvious waste of money, just very perfect and suited the couple entirely. Unlike many other weddings, I actually knew people there. Pretty much every part of the wedding was done by friends, so it was not at all anonymous and just really warm and friendly.
About halfway through I realized how much I liked the wedding itself, but how uncomfortable I still was. And so I pondered that for a while and I realized that large parties just make me feel uncomfortable. All this time, I've really felt like I hate weddings...and I've been to so many weddings that lack personality and feel like a big waste of money...but here I was at this beautiful, perfect wedding, and I still felt uncomfortable. It made me think about how much I really, really don't like parties. I avoid them, honestly. I rarely host parties, and when I do, I keep them small on purpose. But it was such a relief to figure out that my dislike of weddings isn't just because of all the cultural issues I have with weddings (and I do), but really because at the bottom of it all, they are a large, extravagant party where I feel slightly lost and anxious and generally uncomfortable.
Understanding this made me understand why I'm feeling so resistant to my own wedding. It's not because of all the cultural talk around it, though there is so much of that. It's because I'm throwing this huge party where I have to invite a much larger number of people than I ever would, many of them with whom I have little connection. I'm so anxious about all the small talk I'll have to endure and the logistics of feeding and entertaining this large group of people. It's enough to make this introvert want to run and hide.
Just last night, a second thing happened that triggered my other large fear in wedding planning.
I don't know if it's a personality trait or what, but I've always known that I would be super picky about who comes to my wedding. I'm not talking about inviting friends, I'm talking about the ones who actually come. Maybe I'm an asshole, but if I'm going to invite you to my wedding and you can't come, then I basically don't think we're friends. This excludes some long-distance friends, but that's about it. I think a wedding invitation is a huge fucking deal and if you can't be bothered to attend, what does that say about our friendship? And maybe that is some super fucked up cultural bullshit. I don't know. I just know that's how I feel
So last night, I'm going through my Instagram feed and what do I see? A bunch of my local friends are out and about downtown and they haven't invited me. This is the countless time this has happened. Whenever I make my way downtown to eat at their cafe, shop at their boutique, or find time in my schedule to hunt them down and catch up, it's all great. I love them. They make me happy. I'm often there for them in terms of the events they have going on, and I have been invited out. But more often than not, I'm sitting at home, a mile away from them, fucking watching their posts on social media wondering why no one ever can figure out that I'd like to come along.
I actually had a conversation about this with one of my friends. I very specifically brought up this exact situation and how much it hurts my feelings. She said that one of our friends is very last minute and everything happens at the last minute and whatever. So I walked away feeling like maybe I was overreacting until it happened AGAIN. The perpetrator last night was definitely the one with whom I had a conversation.
So I was mad and posted on social media about how I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME WHEN YOU POST IT ALL OVER THE SOCIAL MEDIA WE'RE BOTH ON!
I didn't comment on the posts. I wanted to, but I didn't. I talked to my friends about it and went to bed. And then I slept on it and I woke up still hurt and mad.
So after thinking about it, I've decided that some of the people who received Save the Dates won't receive invites. I know this is a cultural taboo, but I also know some of them are going to Paris that weekend anyway. So you know what? FUCK IT! Why am I sitting here having this fucking quandary about who the fuck to invite to my fucking wedding?
This is where the cultural pressure comes in, and this has been a constant struggle for me throughout this process. I feel pressured to invite certain people (and not others). It's weird and uncomfortable and I can't seem to get around it. When I sent the Save the Dates, I decided to get rid of all my crap and just invite EVERYBODY. I thought I was committed to that, but now I'm feeling a lot of the things I was feeling before. It's super annoying and I hate it...but I hate more the way it feels like it's not my decision and it's driven by something else.
So that's my big pile of shit and turmoil that's just rolling around in my head ALWAYS. I still don't feel good, and I hope my discomfort settles, but it might not. Friendships aren't a strong suit of mine, as I seem to have ridiculously high standards that are hard for the average person to reach, and while I don't like letting friends go, I like even less compromising my own character. But this is where I stand today, a big fuck you to people who seem so inconsiderate of my actual existence, who haven't had my back, who never reach out to me and are so hard to nail down for hang out time. Fuck them. They can go to some other party, because I'm not inviting them to my wedding.
You can read all my wedding posts, if you want!