Thursday, May 19, 2016

The Wedding Story

I've been thinking about the wedding for several days and about how I want to tackle writing my story. I know I will submit my wedding to HiFi Weddings, a site dedicated to music and weddings. I believe that is as far as I will go. I've considered sending it to other websites, but I don't want to. I believe I have a lot to say and I could converse about this forever, but I really hate those bitches. I went back to some wedding websites and was just annoyed with them all over again. It's best I stay away. Instead, I've decided to dedicate this entire post to all of my thoughts and feelings that I have processed since the wedding. It is time to put this fucker to bed, but first, a disclaimer :

I try not to use this blog to air my dirty laundry when I'm still going through the drama with the people involved. You may notice that I never write about fights I have with my mom. That's because I don't think this blog is a place to bitch about people who read the blog and possibly hurt their feelings. Obviously, I'm not afraid to talk about what I've experienced, but only when I feel the issue is resolved. Though this blog often makes me seem like a crazy bitch who runs around screaming at people to fuck off, the reality is that everything takes time, lots of deliberation, and most often, a good, hearty dose of, "let that shit go". However, regarding my wedding, I will talk about the behaviors of some of those in attendance. If you read this and realize it pertains to you and would like to discuss it, I invite you to e-mail me or message me. My aim is not to hurt feelings but simply to write about mine. If I have not talked to you about these feelings it is because I believe they are my problem and not ours. Understand that while you are in my life, my blog is always about me.

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I know that I made it clear over and over again that I did not give a shit about this wedding. I made Adam feel guilty for the drama I experienced because he felt he was forcing me to do something I didn't want to do. That was not the case. The situation was that I was compromising and trying to create a wedding that meant a lot to him and still satisfied me. In the end, I accomplished that. However, getting to that point was A LOT of cultural bullshit that fell largely on my shoulders. The entire world expecting me to give a fuck and I just didn't. That was hard for me. But I felt it was important to be vocal about my feelings because otherwise everyone just goes on assuming weddings are for women and are some magical time that every girl really, really, really, really wants. I had to speak up and speak out to let the world know that some women don't give a shit. This impacted Adam, but we communicated on the regular and I assured him that I needed to be vocal about my dissatisfaction so that the world would know there are other opinions out there. In the end, we both had an understanding and we both had a good time.

Planning the wedding was surprising for me. I honestly believed there would be no drama. I knew I wouldn't suffer from indecision or pressure. When I realized I could not (and would not) afford my fave photographer who is also a friend, I simply e-mailed her that the budget was too tight and I couldn't make it happen. When I realized I still didn't want to pay for my best friend to photograph the wedding, I just e-mailed her and told her what was up...and then promoted her to Matron of Honor in place of my original Maid of Honor who had to be fired. When a few of my bridesmaids behaved in a way that dissolved our friendships, I just fired them and picked someone else. When I realized I really, really, really didn't want to pay for some things, I just cut the budget. Then I cut it again. I delegated jobs. I knew I could do this, and I was fine with it. What I didn't expect was extremely selfish and shitty family members, being ghosted by a bridesmaid, and feeling like my officiant didn't understand I was an individual and not the status quo. This lead to really rough days and lots of confusion and the dissolution of several relationships, including some friends whom I realize were far less invested in me than I was in them. It was surprising and it hurt. The myth of weddings being a big ball of love came down on me in some deeply painful and life altering ways.

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My girls' hair pieces were made by The Busy Beader and their necklaces by Paige Cherico

I realize now that I was incredibly naive about what other people think my wedding is. Most people think my wedding is somehow their wedding. And that's jut not true. Most people take for granted that they can ignore me, never invite me out, ghost me, let me down, and otherwise treat me in a way that is unacceptable to me and somehow still receive an invitation to my wedding. But fuck that. The number of people I invited was triple the number of people who attended, and I have to say that I'm totally ok with that...now. It took some time to get here, but I'm happy with where I am.

What I didn't expect when it came to the actual wedding was how fucking annoying some people would be. And this is where I insert my rant about how "being helpful" isn't always helpful. What I wanted to do, leading up to my wedding, was cook delicious food. I wanted to set up and to photograph my dessert table. I wanted to photograph my own wedding. I managed to do almost all of that. However, the day before my wedding was everyone getting in my face and in my kitchen and asking if I needed help. But that's a lie. It was really just one friend who stayed with me. And I KNOW she was trying "to be helpful". I understand that. But the reality is that she took away some of the joy I was experiencing by getting in my way.

I recognize that people will read that paragraph and think I'm an asshole. Our culture teaches us that "being helpful" is the best thing a person can do. I would argue that WANTING to be helpful is a great place to be, but forcing your help on others is not ok. Help should be consensual and if someone says, "no," let them fucking be. Don't keep asking. Don't get in their way. Don't take jobs out of their hands because you've decided you're being helpful. And whatever you do, don't go into their bag and take their wedding license out and take care of it because you've decided you're being helpful. That's not helpful. Because of this help, I don't have photos of my dessert table, which I didn't get to set up, because someone else did and someone else photographed it.

Now I know, I know, you think I'm a loudmouthed asshole who should've put her foot down and done her own thing. Oftentimes, I am that girl. But there is the great remainder of the time when I still bow to cultural expectations and remain reserved (ish) and polite. Where I feel like it's my job to please others before I please myself. Where I have been taught that saying, "Quit trying to fucking help me, it's being incredibly unhelpful," is rude and hurtful and I shouldn't do it. For this reason, I didn't kick people out of my kitchen and I didn't reshoot my dessert table and I didn't shove people out of the way when they were trying to lend a hand. And so, I'm mad AT MYSELF for not standing up for what I wanted and for missing five photos I really wanted to take.

_MG_6594 My dress from Atomic Bombshell in Omaha : Adam's suit from Savile Lane in Akron, OH

There were two other surprising things that happened at my wedding. One was incredibly hurtful and has changed the course of my behavior in my interpersonal relationships. The other was just a surprise.

Some of my "friends" prioritized other things over me. Some of my friends had family in town and booked every second that was not already set aside for my wedding events. Y'all, I didn't have a lot of them. Some people promised to be there and then weren't. Some people were hired to do things and showed up late and without all the stuff necessary for the task. Some people went to work and came to the wedding late. Some people left early for other things. All of this hurt me very deeply.

I am incredibly sensitive. I spend most of my days analyzing how I feel about the people in my life and what they are saying or doing to me. I ponder for great lengths of time those Pinterest memes about how the people in your life make up who you are. When it came to my wedding, I heard a lot of noise about how great and loving it would be. But no one said that someone might die a few days before your wedding and someone who you thought would be there would leave early to go to that funeral and it would hurt you in a way that you felt was socially unacceptable. No one says that a "friend" who happily received heavily discounted wedding photography from you would elect not to attend though she was in town. And also a million tiny other things that happened that day. It's hard for me to talk about these things because I feel like I'm not supposed to talk about them. But I greatly desire to address the feelings I had based on the actions of others. If for no other reason than I don't like to hold shit in. This is my forum to talk about it, but also because feelings are ok. It is ok to admit that someone hurt your feelings and to talk about why and then to let that shit go.

Adam and I didn't really do much together on our wedding day. He got ready in our house while I was getting ready. He drove separately and handled other setting up tasks from what I was doing. We posed for photos. We got married. We danced (which was fun) and then we did our own things. For about a split second, I felt guilty about this. But really, this is how we knew it would be. Adam and I do us when we're alone together. We don't really do us in public settings...largely because I'm a very private person. I like to have my special time with any of my friends or family in a one-on-on environment. Also, though Adam and I have integrated many of our friendships, we also still have separate friends who like to do different things, so that's what we did at our wedding.

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What did I like about our wedding? Ummm...that it's over! <---That's only slightly sarcastic.

The truth is, I dealt with a lot of disappointment, hurt, and frustration the entire time leading up to the wedding and during the wedding. When it finally came time for me to enjoy my own wedding, I turned up the music, tuned out everyone, and I danced. Anyone who wanted to dance with me was welcome to the dance floor. Anyone who wanted to go be somewhere else could do so without me. I was pleasantly surprised to find that almost everyone I love had a song in my playlist that suited them. I danced with my sister-in-law to two songs, which I did not expect. Two of my friends who, apparently, aren't big dancers, each found at least one song that spoke to them deeply enough that they appeared on the dance floor with me. Some of my friends who were not dancing were dragged, bodily, by me, to the dance floor for some Taylor Swift Shake It Off, and that was fun. I had an unexpected cumbia. I had several fun dances with my mom. I lead some pretty awful blues and balboa with a swing dancing friend. I also learned that, when he wants to, Adam can cut a fucking rug. My dance party was basically the most amazing thing ever.

I cooked food that my friends loved. I have friends with dietary needs and I really wanted to make food for them. I like to cook. I especially like to provide for those who are usually left out. So when one of my friends with pretty serious diet needs was able to grab "a big plate" and fill it with food, I was so totally happy. I also know that everyone else enjoyed the Norka Soda I had for the event, the Emidio's Pizza from Akron, and the amazing donuts from Anne's Pastry. I know that people really enjoyed the food which made me so happy. I wanted to pick food that represented what Adam and I love and I was so glad to see that my guests enjoyed it.

IMG_9927 Our rings were custom made in Ohio by Kristin Ellis

I read a lot in wedding blogs about being "surrounded by love". I really can't tell you that I felt that. As I said, I was having a lot of feelings, some decidedly un-loving. I was focusing on not being an asshole all day, because people hate that shit. I wanted everyone to enjoy the party as they chose, and I think that happened. I know people went out and enjoyed the park, which my uncle said was more impressive than he expected. I have been to weddings where I really felt the love, but that's not what happened at my wedding. I think I threw a damn good party. I know people really enjoyed Adam's dad playing for the ceremony. I know they enjoyed the food and some of them enjoyed the music. I know Adam had a good time with his friends. I know that I did feel lots of happiness. All of that is ok with me. I didn't need my wedding to be some overwhelming love fest or "best day ever". I just needed it to be the successful party that it was.

I was happy to see that many of my friends and many of Adam's friends have become our friends. I like that. It feels good. I saw some of my family members interact with Adam's family members. I thought that was cool. I kicked the long weekend off along with Adam, watching the sunlight disappear from the sky over the lake and that was good enough for me. We were the last people to go, double checking to make sure the venue was clean and then we drove home together. That was the entirety of our alone time for the weekend, but I'm ok with that. We have forever to have alone time. I know Adam had a good time and I know I had a good time and really, that's all that ever mattered to me.

6 comments:

  1. Weddings have a huge stigma associated with it, don't dwell on it, its one day. There are SOO many feelings wrapped up in the planning and ACTUAL wedding its exhausting to think about :( It also tests SOOO many relationships it sucks (one of the reasons I had no interest in getting married and why I just wanted the vacation/Mexico aspect instead :( I LOVE that you thought of your friends with different diet needs, I honestly think that's soo sweet of you to think about!Love the rings too! Happy no more wedding planning to think about, wahoo!

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    1. Girl, exactly! No more wedding planning! So glad it's over.

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  2. congratulations!!! you looked so pretty in your dress!! that was quite an eventful day, happy for you it ended well:) xoxo

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  3. I'm so glad you posted this. Seriously. Weddings are hard enough without guests expecting it to be about themselves. I am a wholehearted supporter of you speaking your piece here.

    Btw: I love that pic of just the two of you.

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    1. Thanks, girl. I've found that I can probably get through my life easier if I keep my mouth shut about how everyone just assumes things should be a certain way. But that leads to oppression and general crappiness. So I'd rather just speak up and make things more complicated because people need to know there are other thoughts and choices out there!!!!!

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