Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Good-bye

I've been having lots of thoughts lately. Many of them revolve around this idea I have that I want to work in social media. I have felt that I needed a social media portfolio and lacking a portfolio of work done for someone other than myself, I've been trying to mold my own internet projects into an acceptable social media portfolio. This, of course, means numbers.

Except that I don't care about numbers and I never have.

A friend of mine was fired and it seems the only job she can find on the island is a job where all the "rejects" go. It's not a popular bar and it's not glamorous...and her old job was both of those things. She wasn't fired because she can't do the job or because she isn't popular or glamorous. She was fired because people suck. So now she is looking at a job for rejects or leaving the island. But the problem with her thinking is believing that something is wrong with her because some misogynistic assholes fired her and all the cool bars are full staffed. A person is not her job and a place isn't embarrassing unless you let it be.

I don't care about money or followers. I have puzzled out how to sell things online and I have landed on a good number of places to sell things. In order to make money, I have to have more followers, more subscribers, more commenters, more numbers!

I love the internet, but I don't love numbers. I can't seem to separate myself from the two right now. I'm also working a stressful job that is stressful because I don't like it but I need it...because I need money...more numbers that I never cared about.

I start to feel guilty when I realize it's Wednesday morning and I didn't write my Tuesday post. Partially because I don't have WiFi at home right now and partially because I feel bummed out and drained a lot of the time.

I was thinking about that this morning and I realized that I don't wanna. I just don't wanna. And because of that, I'm not gonna.

When I stop feeling this way, maybe I'll come back and do something. But until then, I have to focus the energy I have on doing things I don't really want to do but feel that I need to do. With the rest of my time, I want to watch a lot of Hulu and Netflix and read a lot of books and go swimming and play with dogs and my cat as much as possible. I don't want to worry about any personal schedules except for getting in the mileage for the marathon I'm going to run.

You can find me on Instagram, probably. Maybe not. Whatever.

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