In the past, when I have written about how the shitty behavior of others affected me it just led to even more shitty behavior from other people. (Which is to say, some of Adam's family chose not to attend our wedding because of stuff I wrote in this blog.) The problem with having feelings that are unacceptable and then writing about why I have those feelings, is it means I have to talk about the behavior of others...and if there is anything Americans like less than someone having feelings, it is having someone write about their behavior and publish it online...or really any confrontation that brings anyone face-to-face with their actions. I mean, heaven for-fucking-bid I write about what someone else did and how I feel about it.
And so, I have avoided writing in this blog.
I don't want to avoid writing in this blog anymore. I want to write in it. I want to write about the friendships I ended because of the way they treated me...and how maybe those friendships aren't actually over. Maybe I just needed to be hurt for a while about their behavior, and to take some time away to be hurt, and then maybe I needed to get back into that friendship. Maybe I still want that friendship and maybe I don't. All I know is I had feelings, big ones, hurt ones, angry ones, ones directed at people whom I believe didn't actually behave in a way people who are friends behave, and I needed to take some time to feel those feelings before trying to go back into that friendship.
I feel like this is not permissible in American culture. I think we see things as broken up or together and there is no in between. But I have been living in that in between. I have been thinking about behavior with which I disagreed, behavior that I think is the antithesis of friendship, and I have been thinking that maybe I just needed time to take a break from that friendship so I could get over my feelings and then figure out how to get back into that friendship. Maybe I need to be more guarded and expect less. Maybe I need to stop being friends altogether. But maybe I need to try it again to see how I really feel about it.
This is not how I normally do life. Normally, I take my hurt feelings and I cut people off forever. This is the first time I have considered that my feelings can go away and a friendship can begin again. Truthfully, I don't know what I want to do. All I know is that I wanted to write about it. I want to stop avoiding this blog and I want to write about what I experience and how I feel about it. So I'm going to do that.