Wednesday, November 2, 2016

This blog is not a connection

Recently, I had it out with a would-be friend. When I saw her at parties and the like, she was happy to blow smoke about how great I was. This led me to believe there was a friendship there, so I attempted to extend the hand of friendship by inviting her to do something with me. She assured me she wanted to do something with me, so I tried for months to make that happen. It never happened. Finally, I realized she didn't have time for me and I called her on it. She did not want to admit it and began backpedaling in a way that seemed not only incredibly immature but also just bizarre because, like, we never did anything, ever, so why was she trying to act like she cared?

In the course of this bizarre argument, many things were said that were...strange and interesting. Something about true relationships meaning that you let go of expectations. That just seems like apologetic bullshit to me. If I let go of expectations, then I am guaranteed a relationship where nothing I want or need is ever addressed. That is a surefire way to ensure that I only ever participate in a friendship on their terms, disregarding my own terms.

Also, it was insinuated that attempting to reach out once or twice a month to arrange the project we both agreed we wanted to do was somehow suffocating. That is, of course, patently ridiculous. Trying to schedule something is not suffocating. Sending text messages doesn't mean I am preventing someone from breathing.

It was also said that I was blaming my anger on my friendships on her...which was a gross misunderstanding of my life and also somehow implied that she was not a friend in my life and that she did not deserve this anger I was directing at my friendships.

What bothered me the most, was her idea that we had somehow connected...based on one conversation in her kitchen and the fact that she reads this blog.

So let me be clear : this blog is not our connection. This blog is not where I have intimate and important conversations regarding my interpersonal relationships. It's not where I talk about what I need or want from a friendship. It is not where I detail my most personal thoughts. It does not contain any part of my past in any way. You cannot learn from this blog any pertinent information about myself or my family, nor will you ever learn about my deepest darkest secrets, fears, or even joys. Because this blog is a place where I write about how I fit in with the world and where I analyze my feelings regarding social situations and where I write about some of my political beliefs, you might feel like this blog allows you to get to know me. But it doesn't. In order to get to know me, you have to have conversations with me, many of them, over a period of time.

Let us not misunderstand what the internet is. The internet can be a great place to learn a lot, to feel less alone in the world, and to create that initial contact that can lead to friendship and connection. But this little piece of the internet is not the place where you create that connection that means anything about us. In order to get that, you have to connect with me outside of this place and certainly on more than one occasion. Anything less is misunderstanding what it means to be connected to me, and makes any accusations about myself and our friendship laughably off base.

No comments:

Post a Comment