Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Fat Tuesdays : Maternity

Oooh, boy! I have got to sit down and start writing about this, and I am one thousand percent certain that I am going to open the doors to a bajillion haters, but I gotta write!

I opened up last year about miscarrying, and I was afraid my unpopular opinion would not go over well. I was pleasantly surprised to find otherwise. Before writing that piece, I was really feeling like my thoughts weren't represented in the massive online catalogue of miscarriage posts. I just knew I needed to write it out, just in case I could reach even one person who felt similarly and needed to know she wasn't alone. I feel the same away about the things I've been experiencing with this pregnancy.

I'm not sure how I want to tackle all of what I've been experiencing. At first, I wasn't even gonna write about it at all. I just don't think my being pregnant is anyone's business, honestly. I feel like I share information with my close friends and that's enough. But I had been experiencing some really disgusting behavior from my prenatal care providers and then when I tried to talk to some of my friends (and eventually opened it up to Reddit and Instagram), I heard some even more ridiculous thoughts. (I also had a great outpouring of support from my IG friends, because I have a great group of feminist friends out there.) I think, for the sake of organization and for the sake of easing into this, I wanna write about it more trimester by trimester, I guess. I don't really think this'll be a weekly thing and it might not always be a Fat Tuesdays thing.

Photo Feb 06, 4 36 52 PM

I guess I just want to start by talking about my first trimester which was kind of a nightmare. I mean, I had some issues with "morning sickness" and the physical changes of pregnancy. My boobs outgrew my bras so fucking fast and my sports bras became incredibly uncomfortable. I needed to change my diet because health but also because the things I usually liked eating made me feel like crap. I was definitely tired a lot. I had digestive issues too...some of which affected my running. So yeah, there were the physical symptoms of early pregnancy, which many people experience. So that happened.

But for me, the anxiety and the waiting was the worst...oh, and the scare tactics which will become an even bigger issue later. Having had a miscarriage, I knew the risk of miscarriage was high. I chose not to see a doctor in my first trimester, because early prenatal care is all about having the right diet and confirming the pregnancy. I had a confirmation ultrasound at 12 weeks. I changed my eating habits drastically, ensuring that I was getting all the right nutrients. I altered my diet as well to make sure I would feel better...treating nausea with apples instead of crackers that totally lack nutrition. I continued training and knew my exercise habits would not suffer due to pregnancy, and that exercise is an important part of pregnancy. But I was just counting down every week to make sure the baby stuck. It was like watching an extremely tense movie and trying not to bite off my nails, but it just lasted and lasted. I was also stressed about finding a care provider. I have no pregnant friends and had no recommendations and the midwives I saw were not licensed or certified and could not deliver in a hospital. They were great women, but just not the right fit for me. So I really felt like I was behind the ball. I just felt like every decision I made was wrong...and I could find almost no literature to support my choices. (This is also something that would become a problem later on.)

I'm not particularly patient and I almost never get sick to any degree. (I mean, I've never had the flu, honestly.) So the first trimester was VERY challenging for me. Couple that with big changes in work and school and I was just very, very anxious and stressed. I started having panic attacks regularly and would take several hours to calm down. It was hard, and what I experienced at the beginning of my second trimester did not resolve this issue.

But I think I'll leave the rest of this until later. Writing this post was difficult and I need to think some more before I compose my next one. However, as of right now, everything is good. Doctors have been seen, everything is fine, I feel good. I'm still impatient, of course, but I'm feeling much calmer.


  1. I remember experiencing some of the same things you refer to when I was pregnant. I lost twins at 26 weeks and then went on to have my daughter who is now 10. It was horror living from test to test and passing the phase where the risks were still high but not life threatening (for me and my daughter) every freaking minute of every freaking day. For me, there did come A DAY when I just knew everything was going to be ok. It hope that day comes soon for you. I felt so out of step most of the time too, my experiences were nothing like some of the 'rainbows & butterfly' stuff I was hearing or reading about. I'm glad you are writing about it, because afterwards I found out that there are more people who have rough times than we even realize.

    1. Everything has resolved now and I do feel good! And yes, I'm all about sharing!