Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Baby Boy II

Dear Baby Boy,

As I type this, you are lying on the recliner, between my legs, sleeping. You are incredibly peaceful, content, and full. I am feeling very, very sad.

On one hand, we made it through the first month! There were days when I really thought this might not happen. On the other hand, so many things I wanted have not happened. (I will address them all in other blog posts.) Even though my friends and family tell me I am being a great mom and doing so much for you, I am finding it hard to focus on my successes and look past my perceived failures.

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"Perceived" is an important word, because the truth is, logically, rationally, factually, none of these "failures" are my fault in any way. So many things have happened that were out of my control and they have surprised me so much. It's been difficult to adjust to them, and it's taken me a lot of tears and sleepless nights to accept things as they are (maybe almost to accept things as they are). This is what every other parent says about becoming a parent, often a little to condescending for my tastes, that nothing goes as planned. It turns out they were right, but no one ever tells you how much it hurts to have things go differently from what you wanted.

Luckily, though I've struggled, you have not. You are happy, healthy, and well fed. You are fucking adorable and do the cutest things. You laugh in your sleep, which is fantastic. You sleep deeply and peacefully, because you are cared for and loved very much. The evidence of what I (and your father) provide for you is clear in how happy and healthy you are, and that is what I need to remember. We are building a life together, and maybe it hasn't gone exactly as I would've wanted, but the result is still pretty damn good.

Despite these struggles, I must also admit that I feel lots of relief and lots of joy. Since our first couple of weeks were entirely too scary for my tastes, I find it incredibly relieving that we have settled into a sort of routine. (As routine as you will allow at your young age!) There are so many things that I don't worry about now, things that don't terrify me. There are so many things I'm looking forward to and so many things we have tackled together successfully. I feel joy in watching you grow, even when that means watching your father deal with an unexpectedly messy diaper or you spitting up on every one of his shirts. Those things bring me joy and make me laugh. Watching you sleep, talking to you while you're awake, feeding you and seeing you grow...all of those things also bring me great joy.

Life is never quite perfect, of course, and I am sure there are plenty of obstacles in our future, but for now, I need to remind myself to focus on the good things. We are healthy and you are happy and that is what is really important. We're still a team, and we're going to conquer this life together.

I love you.

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