Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Baby Boy

Dear Baby Boy,

Well, I think we got off to a fairly rocky start, didn't we? 40 hours of labor followed by a c-section were NOT what I wanted. An improper latch, your declining health due to my ignorance about how to feed you, and over a week of struggling to breast feed were NOT what I wanted. Paralyzing anxiety, a trip to the ER, debilitating loneliness, and an inability to function were NOT what I wanted. Constant fighting at the boob, feeling completely inadequate, feeling like I fucked up absolutely everything, constantly wondering how the hell we would make it through one day let alone one week, were NOT what I wanted.

I would venture to guess they were not what you wanted either.


In a perfect world, maybe everything would've worked out "naturally," and I'd be sitting here, having had a natural child birth, you nursing until you're full, and never experiencing the struggles of our first few weeks together. But we don't live in a perfect world, do we? I've never been delusional about that.

I suppose this is the time that I tell you, despite our struggles, that YOU are perfect. But that's a little glib for me. The truth is, I do believe you are perfect, just like I believe I am perfect. I believe that perfection doesn't exist without flaws. I believe that everything is perfect already, and that things can be "miserable and magical" and that's ok. That's life, even.

I can't rewind the clock, change the way you decided to position yourself in my uterus, read about how to get a better latch BEFORE having you, and change the way things were. I guess I wouldn't want to anyway. We're here, getting through week three, so much happier than weeks one and two allowed us to be, and we're doing ok. As I keep telling you, we're a team. I'm always gonna have your back. And now, instead of wishing I could just fast forward through this awful time, I'm feeling like we finally got a really good thing going and I'm looking forward to all we're going to experience together. I can't wait to see you grow and discover who you're going to become.

I love you.

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