Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Baby Boy VI

Dear Baby Boy,

FOUR MONTHS TODAY!!!!

You are four months old today, and while I am sure your body is growing, I feel like you're mind is what's really growing. You are so bright and aware and so damn entertaining!

Things you are doing :

Still laughing...including having a total laugh fest with Dad-O
LOTS of kicking
ROLLING OVER!!! Both ways, even
Trying to eat, literally everything!
Reaching out and grabbing things, like Dad-O's glasses
Noticing my tattoos as well as patterns on fabric
Noticing the cats
Eating LOTS
Really exploring the physical world around you
Smiling at me (and Dad-O) often
Sleeping a lot, oftentimes through the night
Trying to reach for and hold your bottle, albeit unsuccessfully
Pushing up to standing when held in our laps
LOTS of cooing, like an actual conversation as we coo back to you
Occasional squealing

You've met a considerable number of people, but we mostly chill at the house. We went for a walk on a snowy day and your little cheeks ended up chafed, so we're hanging out in the warmth of the indoors. There's still a lot to see in our apartment, and people do come visit, but you're a little homebody right now. We do go out on the occasional lunch or brunch date with a friends, though.

Your world is still pretty small, but life is still really good.

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Hey Mama,

FOUR MONTHS!!! There were days, in the beginning, when you didn't think you'd make it this far. Now, a lot of those fears (instilled by the very medical professionals who should be educating you) are fading. Constant fears that the Babe will die in his sleep are much fewer and farther between now.

However, that medical system continues to fail you. It took you so long to finally get in with someone and he doesn't take your insurance! You have a back up, but the guy seems like a total asshole, so I doubt you'll do more than one visit with him. Running would probably help, if only you could prioritize that...and maybe if everyone else would too. Some days, you feel down right normal...but most days, something is just a bit off. It's still hard to focus and hard to accomplish multiple tasks at once. You feel you lean on Adam to do housework maybe more than you'd like.

Here is the thing : Don't feel guilty about this. Being pregnant, having a baby, and raising a baby while also having autism, anxiety, and depression...and being treated incredibly poorly by the medical community who is also failing to provide you with the support they told you to seek...man, that shit is hard. It's Adam's job to help you during times like this, just as you would happily do the same for him.

Oh also, this social contract of being a mother is ridiculous and confounding. People ask the DUMBEST questions and you just sort of toss out answers, hoping they will stop. If only there were an instruction manual...FOR THEM! Maybe they'd stop being annoying.

Ok, but all in all, you're pretty fucking successful at this. You have a bright and charming lil' babe-o who is growing and developing and it's all fairly delightful. So if life could just calm the fuck down a little bit, that would be helpful.

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