Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Baby Boy VIIII

Dear Baby Boy,

Your presence often makes those around you happier. I have always assumed it's because you are delightful, adorable, and hilarious. You are universally these things and I assumed it brightened whatever environment you're in. Recently, someone made a comment about you and I asked a question and the follow up was along the lines of, "having babies around, in general, is nice."

I have to admit to you this sentiment perplexes me. As we reach your seventh month of life, this is what I have pondered...

I have had serious misgivings about creating new life in this world. Mathematically speaking, we humans procreate far too much. Anecdotally, I met an 87 year old women who has 23 great-grandchildren. This means there is her generation, the generation of her children, the generation of her grandchildren, and the generation of her great-granchildren all taking up space on this Earth at the same time. This is the problem with human reproduction; people assume they are replacing themselves, but the truth is, most of us don't need to replace ourselves. This Earth could do with a few light cycles of reproduction and a whole lotta space to let older humans die so that we are taking up less space and using up fewer resources.

In my life, I pondered my existence in this manner quite often. I sometimes had the urge to feel guilty about my own existence, but then I realized that my existence was not my choice, therefore, my existence was not my fault. I pondered my consumption and again realized, I did not create the problems of consumption, nor did I create the obstacles to lower consumption, therefore, my consumption was not entirely my fault. I do believe in lowering consumption, and there are many ways I wish I could lower my consumption but am inhibited by the world as it is...cycles set in motion over a hundred years ago. However, I assure you, I am pretty good at not being an average consumer...unless you count calories. (I'm fat, baby boy.)

However, your existence IS my fault! I was complicit in bringing you into this world. (Your father is obviously partially responsible.) I sometimes feel guilty about this. I don't feel guilty because I don't like you, quite the contrary, I like you a whole lot and I love you as well. (Seriously, you are really delightful.) I feel guilty because I didn't have to create you and I have no idea what inheritance I am leaving for you. If you are to believe any number of media outlets, articles, studies, etc. or any number of post-apocolyptic visions for our world, your future might be incredibly frightening. If that is the case, who do you have to blame but me?

I sincerely hope that there is a future for you that is bright and wonderful and far more carefree than my own present has been, because honestly you deserve that. If karma is a thing (and I really believe it isn't), I cannot imagine any wrong you could commit that would merit a less than stellar future. You have already given so much laughter and joy to this world, that surely the karmic balance must be heavily weighted in your favor.

I hope I can teach you how best to care for you future and for the future of your children, should you choose to have any.

Unrelated to this musing but related to your existence, you have finally learned to sit up on your own!!!! What a fete! You also crawl in the traditional sense, though you've been getting around fine with non-traditional crawling. You have suddenly begun to make monster noises and they are loud and funny. You also become VERY LOUD when you are tired...and sometimes inconsolable and sometimes physically fight your own hunger and sleep needs. The latter is entirely annoying and troubling because it makes me sad to see you anything other than happily chattering away with whatever vocal acrobatics you have recently discovered. We are going to start feeding you solid food and this is a terrifying idea! But I guess you need to eat, right!? You are a very interesting specimen and I enjoy watching you grow and change.

Te amo chiquito monstro.

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Hey Mama,

Well, isn't life getting interesting? Just when you're feeling real confident, you gotta start thinking about wills and guardianship and custodial accounts!

Many things have settled down and seem to be falling in place (hopefully, please, please, please!) which is very nice and comforting. There are occasional surprises and unexpected changes, but you roll with them well. You're an impressive person, you know. And hey, you're even mastering not telling people to fuck right off when giving unsolicited opinions and advice! Different strokes or whatever...some cliche bullshit, I guess.

I'm wishing for you that life becomes more fun for you soon. Yes, the Babe is a delightful fucker, that is true. He is hilarious and super fun...but he is also unpredictable and your schedule is not set and that makes things difficult. It is good you feel comfortable conquering cloth diapering and more Spanish language things, but I know you don't always take the time for yourself that you really, really, really need and I know how much that is wearing on you. Sacrifices and flexibility are important as are priorities, but please don't forget how much you matter, ok?

Also, if anyone else underestimates your importance, you can give them a quick reminder to stand up and take notice or shut the fuck up! Take it easy mama and don't beat yourself up too much. There is time for everything.

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